


Who Doesn't Love a Spy-Assassin

by asrewrites



Series: This One Time [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Eventual Relationships, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Massage, Other, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2020-03-22 14:18:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 38,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asrewrites/pseuds/asrewrites
Summary: Bucky is coming into his own and wants to make his own decisions.





	1. Chapter 1

I didn’t see anyone for weeks. There were no more letters either. Tony didn’t even call or stop by. I still had my classes, my studies and massage clients so I kept busy but what had become the basis of my private life was gone and I felt adrift. I kept re-reading the letters that I had. I wrote to Steve and Bucky more for myself then because I had any hope of them getting the letters.

I talked generally in my writings to Steve. Little notes about people and places we knew. With Bucky, I asked a lot of questions. It started that way because I had wanted to know how he felt about the massage, and it escalated into questions about everything and anything that crossed my mind. It seemed to me that he would answer the questions however he felt, but that it would help him to focus on writing and the more he wrote the better his penmanship would be. My letters to Bucky were like a giant game of 20 questions that restarted every other page.

I was lazing around work one day, it had gotten cooler lately and most people were off on their last vacations of the summer season. I had no expectations, no demands and no real interest in doing anything. I had closed down the meditation room, set the safeties in the hot yoga studio and was just about to go back to my office/massage room when I saw him. I had music playing in the yoga studio and I was singing along. As soon as I reached the door and turned out the lights the music would stop. It was Tony’s idea, and I hadn’t had it changed but I’m sure F.R.I.D.A.Y. would have helped me to change the settings if I wanted to.

I jumped back, my hand to my heart. He was standing to the side of the door, half in the shadows because I had only put a few lights on to set the systems. I knew it wasn’t Steve from the way he stood. He was still, taking up space in a way that said he could be a threat but he held his hands loosely by his sides and his dark hair half hid his face. His expression was neutral but his voice gave a hint of feeling when he spoke. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” He breathed. I couldn’t tell if he was amused, confused or concerned but he didn’t move which reassured me that he was not trying to freak me out.

“I wasn’t expecting anyone Bucky. Is there something you need?” I said and tried to sound like I wasn’t fighting to swallow a shriek.

He blinked at me as I continued to move through my closing steps. I had planned a long weekend to myself and I wanted to make sure that nothing was left to go wrong and call me back from my plans.

“You have a lovely voice,” he mused as I passed him and hit the light switch turning off the music that I had been singing along to before I’d spotted him.

I looked at him over my shoulder as I opened the door and ushered him out, “Thanks. It’s a habit I have.”

Bucky nodded as he stepped behind me, took hold of the door from me and motioned for me to go before him. I did so to get him out of the room more than anything. I had the key and I had to lock the door no matter what order we went through it. Bucky closed the door and looked at me with a question when I turned back to it. He didn’t say anything as he watched me lock it and he followed me back to the massage room with barely a hint that he was there. I flinched when he pulled the door from my grip again and I turned to him right away.

“Sorry. I kind of forgot you were there.” I looked him right in the eye when I said it. I wanted him to know I wasn’t scared of him, just unused to what he had done.

He smirked at me and nodded. “It’s ok. I’m a bad man y’know.”

“That has nothing to do with it,” I said with a shake of my head. “Anyone would get that reaction from me.” I turned and walked into the room. He followed and sat in the massage chair we had used on his first and last visit. I sat on my favourite roller chair and waited for him to tell me why he was here.

“I can’t sleep.” He muttered after a long silence. I nodded for him to continue. “Steve can’t take me with him, the doctors won’t clear me and I need something besides drugs to help.”

“When was the last time you slept?” I asked, prepared for what I thought the answer would be. I was wrong. I felt my jaw go slack at what he said.

“When was I last here? It was then.” He shrugged when he said it. Like he hadn’t just admitted it had been over a month. I looked at him as I tried to see any sign of the lack of sleep on his face at that moment. He watched me as I looked him over and sighed. He took a couple of deep breaths and then his face changed as I watched. His shoulders lowered and his breathing changed. I now saw the dark circles under his eyes, the strain in his features obvious after whatever guard he had held dissolved. “I get an hour or two tops, enough to keep me from going nuts but not enough to make me reliable, or so I’m told.”

He rubbed his hands over his face and into his hair. He sat there and looked at me as if I held the magic cure, and I suppose after last time it would seem to him that I did. I moved forward and touched his knee, his head snapped up from where it had fallen towards his chest in a defeated manner. His metal hand closed over mine, but he didn’t hurt me or even move my hand. He just sat there and stared at me. I sat and waited. Until he decided how he was going to react I was not moving. He moved his hand slightly. He curled his fingers so that he now held my hand.

“Can you help me? Please??” His voice cracked with emotion and I saw those emotions as they danced across his eyes. I wasn’t going to have that quiet long weekend I had planned after all it seemed. It appeared that I was going to be putting a very tired man to bed.

“Are you staying around here?”

He blinked at me and his brow furrowed. “I don’t have any problem helping you Bucky. But it’s probably better if we do this where you’re actually staying right? So you can sleep in your own bed, or on your couch or the floor. Whatever you choose.”

“You think I sleep on the floor?”

“I don’t know Bucky. I work with the VA helping veterans and I know many people do that. I’m not judging you, just covering all the bases. I want you to know that, aside from hanging upside down like a bat, I’ve heard about all manner of sleeping arrangements. People like different things, and whatever makes you feel safe is what you should do.”

“Just not hanging upside down like a bat right?” He said with a grin.

“Even as an enhanced individual, the strain on your body from being inverted is not the best idea. Sorry, I draw the line at that Bucky.” I shrugged as I smiled back at him.

“We’re at the tower. I think we’re only a few floors away from you.”

That hit me where it hurt. I knew that Steve and Bucky were possibly working with Tony again, but that they were staying in the tower and no one had come by to see me hurt. I looked away from Bucky with a blink to hide my dismay and he squeezed my hand as if he had seen and was comforting me. I took a deep breath and stood. I turned away and gestured at the massage oils and lotions in the cabinet.


	2. Alone With the Hidden Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve are back, and Bucky is desperate for some rest.

“You should check those out over there. If there’s one you’d want to try we can bring it along.”

He went over to the cabinet and looked at the bottles. “Is there one that’s better for sleep?”

“Some people like lavender. It can be calming. You can smell them if it would help to decide.” He started to open bottles and smell them. His look was intense and concentrated.

“Steve wanted to tell you we were there. Tony said he’d throw us out if anyone did. He doesn’t really want me there. He kind of hates me.” Bucky didn’t look away from the line of lotions and oils while he spoke. His voice was calm and even, not quite matter-of-fact but not worried either. “He had to let me contact you because there seems to be no other way for me to sleep. The doctors have tried so many things; even the drugs don’t work with my metabolism.”

He had appeared to be nonchalant about what he said, but there was a flicker of tension along the muscle in his jaw as he spoke. His words were hard and clipped; I knew everything he was saying was something he didn’t want to be telling me or possibly anyone. 

I looked up as the volume of his voice changed; he stood still as he faced towards me and looked me right in the eye. “But that head massage gave me almost three solid hours when I hadn’t slept more than 40 minutes at a time till then.” He had a soft smile on his face which quickened my pulse at the sight of it. He turned back to the cabinet and continued his search. He finally picked a bottle and closed the cabinet. He turned to me and asked, “Are you ready to go?”

“Yes. All we have to do is lock the door.”

It was all of a 20-minute walk to the tower from my workplace. I liked that there was a separation between these two areas of my life. It wasn’t much but it was important that I could be at work and not worry too much about potentially being attacked by someone or something looking for one or more of the Avengers. Bucky hadn’t spoken again, he had grabbed all of the doors, pressed all of the buttons and walked in step beside me along the outside of the sidewalk to protect me from splashes and incidents like all good gentlemen should, or so my father had told me on occasion.

He swiped us into the tower and we went up, past the floor I was on and I was sort of surprised that Steve hadn’t gone back to the basement. Of course, I assumed that Steve would be staying close to Bucky and Bucky was obviously staying in the rooms he took me to. He opened the door and stepped in as he held it open for me. He closed it and locked it behind me. We entered into a room with a couch and a tv on a stand. There was a doorway that led to his bedroom and through that room was a bathroom. It didn’t surprise me that this floor was different from my own, it was a little surprising that it was more like a dormitory though. I guessed the idea was that people staying here wouldn’t be here often, and would need to be able to work with each other so a shared common room was needed.

“Make yourself at home. There isn’t much here, but you can have anything you want brought in. You can go as soon as I’m asleep if you want. If you want to stay you can too. The AI has a protocol for dealing with me if I have a nightmare so you aren’t required to be here to watch over me.” He recited as he moved around the apartment, he was in the other room but he spoke loud and clearly and it was just like he was in the room with me. He stepped back into the room and it looked as if he had nothing on but a pair of low riding dark gym pants.

I wasn’t prepared to see him like that. I usually had a preamble where I mentally prepared to not ogle the good looking clients, or look put off by the ones I found less than appealing. Bucky looked at my feet as I stared at his impressive chest. Even with the scarring around his metal arm, he looked like a model. Steve had a similar look, but there was something about Bucky that pulled at me in a way Steve hadn’t. He held the bottle of massage oil loosely and shifted a bit as he tilted his head up to meet my eyes. 

“The bed’s in here. I don’t think that I want to sleep on the couch.” He said and turned back into the bedroom. I got up and walked after him. He stood at the foot of the bed and shrugged. “I’m not sure how we do this.”

I smiled and stepped closer as I took the bottle from his hands. He was nervous; I could see it in the oh so slight tremor in his metal hand as it moved enough to glint in the light. He either had a tell or he was displaying one to make me feel comfortable. Either way, we were working together. I wanted to put him at ease so I stepped to the side a bit, still clearly in his line of sight, and smiled at him. 

“You can sit on the bed and I can massage your head again. If you lean against me I can hold you up until I am sure you’re asleep and then I can lie you back, or you can lie on your stomach and I can massage your head or your back or both, until you fall asleep. If you like we can pull the covers back so that when you are asleep I can cover you after.”

Bucky stood there and looked at me. His expression was blank, his eyes focused on mine. He breathed deeply and evenly for several minutes while he stared. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable, or if this is how he looked when he thought about something. I looked back at him in return. I wasn’t uncomfortable with the eye contact; people often told me I stared myself. I had been raised to look someone in the eye when talking to them, to show that I was paying attention to them. I had also learned to read lips, as my father was partially deaf and that habit caused its own set of issues with people who found me watching their face unnerving.

Bucky shrugged and turned to the bed. He pulled the covers back and stood there for a second before he made his way to the center of the bed. He crawled into position, laid flat on his stomach and then grabbed a pillow to prop his head up with. I was frozen to the spot. That little demonstration of the flow and span of his muscles had me breathless and I wasn’t sure that I should stay there as some pretty pornographic ideas flew through my head. I brought myself back off the edge of jumping this man as I reminded myself that I had seen Steve do something very similar and that I just needed to stop thinking of how much these men shared in their body types.


	3. Down for the Count

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky lets go while you start to lose some self control

I stepped forward and touched his calf to let him know where I was. “I can do this from either side, do you have a preference?”

I didn’t just straddle him to begin the massage, which was what my libido screamed for me to do. It was also screaming about getting naked, but I was more than happy to ignore that. Bucky didn’t move, I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing until he said something a moment later.

“Which one is easier?”

“Well, the easiest way would be for me to straddle your lower back and work down from there. From either side, you’re focusing in on a more limited area to be more effective.”

“Then straddle me.” He said, his voice a low purr from the way he had turned his head into the pillow he had rested on. The sound of his voice shot through me and left a deep tingling in my body that was waking up parts of me that really needed to sit this one out. I needed to be comfortable and not feel out of sorts while trying to help this man. I took off my shoes to spare the sheets, then my socks to spare the smell and got on the bed. I moved up beside him then straddled his lower back. Bucky had turned his head and watched me move. He seemed to be smiling a bit as he turned his head away while I settled into my work.

I pulled the bottle he had chosen from his hand and opened it. He had moved his arm back with it once he thought I was ready. I rubbed my hands together to warm the liquid then put my hands on his shoulders, as I leaned into him slightly. I started to massage along his shoulders, I kept my grip soft but strong as I pushed and pulled in the rolling motion that I favoured. I wanted to feel him unwind, but with Bucky, it was more like one minute he was tense and the next he had snapped. That was the only way that I could describe the way it felt when he let go. He didn’t fall asleep at that point, that came later but when he relaxed it was as if there was a different person under my touch.

One moment his muscles were like rock, hard and unforgiving. The next they felt smooth and pliable, easy to work with and easier still to focus on the areas that held more stress than others. I worked quietly, listening to the sound as he breathed. I could tell when he fell asleep. His breaths deepened and his already warm skin got hotter. I kept working until I had moved from straddling his lower back to his firm ass and finally to sitting on his thick thighs. I did my best to keep my impure thoughts at bay as I worked the muscles in his back and sides.

I wasn’t going to wake him up to find out if he wanted me to go over any place again, and I stopped myself from getting a good grip on that firm ass. I wanted to, I sat there and stared at it for what seemed an eternity, but I stayed professional by the skin of my very clenched teeth. When I finally got up I did so quickly and then I watched him sleep for a bit. When I was satisfied that he was still out cold I moved the covers over him. I took the massage oil and put it on his bedside table before I went to the kitchen and got him a glass of water, he would probably need it when he woke up.

I caught myself as I moved a strand of hair from his face because it looked like it might go up his nose. He didn’t wake, and I was glad because the way my heart pounded in my chest I was certain if he looked at me I was going to vaporize. I backed away and grabbed my socks and shoes, I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. I found a stack of post its and left my contact information for Bucky. I didn’t know if Steve had or hadn’t given him my card. Either one of them may have lost it. It was impossible to know right now and I wasn’t going to let it make me insane.

I got my gear back on and left the apartment. I asked F.R.I.D.A.Y. to make sure that the door was locked. Tony’s fancy system could do anything, including lock and unlock doors. I also asked the AI let me know if Bucky needed help sleeping before he was 2 weeks without sleep. I figured that if he was as stubborn as Steve it was going to take some intervention to get him to take care of himself. I was sure Bucky wouldn’t appreciate it, but I was also sure that he would get used to it just as he had gotten used to massage so quickly. If Steve had told him anything about me I hoped it had been that I took my work very seriously.


	4. The Gang's All Worried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's sound asleep and people are worried.

After I left Bucky’s room I went to my own to start the long weekend I had planned. I got myself a glass of wine and took a long hot bath and tried to keep my mind from imagining any number of really hot and bothersome things happening with Bucky. That man, what was it about that man? 

All I knew about men like Bucky was Steve related. I had spent so much time with Steve, I had grown so close to him and I loved him deeply but I didn’t think I had never been in love with him. I f I was honest I didn’t think he’d been in love with me either. The feelings I seemed to be having for Bucky were different and it was bothersome to me that I could potentially be causing a problem between two friends if I couldn’t keep myself in check.

I’d asked F.R.I.D.A.Y. to let me know if Bucky woke up or if he had problems sleeping for more then a week. Bucky didn’t seem to be in a place where he was taking care of himself. I knew when people were in that kind of state that others weren’t always able to help them either. Bucky had already come to me for help, and I wasn’t going to take the opportunity to come to me again away from him. I would help however I could, whenever I could. I wouldn’t leave it totally up to him this time, especially since he was in the tower. There was no real reason to avoid either of them when we were in the same building, but I knew that Bucky was as stubborn or more stubborn than Steve so I was just hedging my bets on how useful I could be and when.

I wasn’t too worried when F.R.I.D.A.Y. didn’t notify me that Bucky was awake the next day. I was not impressed when someone was pounding down my door at 3 a.m. that second morning though. When I opened it I was mildly impressed at the restraint Steve had shown in not breaking the door down altogether to get the answers he was looking for. He backed me across the room pelting me with angry clipped questions and comments in his worried haste to find out what had happened to Bucky. Steve wasn’t especially reassured when I told him that I had left him in his room, sleeping in his bed, after a long back massage had put him to sleep.

Steve and I weren’t alone too long, soon the rest of the team joined him to ask questions of their own. Most staying away from me as if I possessed a power that would put them to sleep forever if they go too close. Eventually, I worked myself into a position where I could move freely around my own apartment. I went and got a robe, because I was cold and very tired and more then a little pissed at being interrogated in my own ‘home’, even if it was Tony’s building. Tony was there and he looked sympathetic and worried. He actually tried to defend me although he never ventured close enough to touch me either. It was Steve that touched me first. He grabbed my wrist when I tried to go to the bathroom, and when he didn’t fall to the floor within minutes, the team seemed to relax. I hissed at him to let me piss in peace and his face fell slightly before he recovered and gave me a curt nod and released me. I knew that I was the only one who had seen that look, and it bothered me that we were hurting each other already over Bucky.

When I go back from the bathroom Natasha was listing off the results of various tox screens and physical scans that they’d had F.R.I.D.A.Y. run on Bucky. They hadn’t woken him up, they were just worried that he was so very soundly asleep. They had encouraged F.R.I.D.A.Y. to try to gently wake him up and so far nothing had worked. I put the kettle on, resolved to get some caffeine and kick start my faculties a little to get the worried group of Avengers out of my space. I poured myself a cup, Steve followed, then Sam. Tony insisted on Scotch and had it brought up. Bruce was in his lab trying to determine if there was anything wrong with Bucky, aside from the obvious exhaustion. Natasha, Clint, Wanda, Scott and Vision all wandered off to get some rest when it became apparent that nothing was going to come of storming my apartment.

I sat at my counter, sipping my tea as Sam and Tony fell asleep on the couch within minutes of sitting down. Steve sat there and watched me over his tea. He had a near constant flow of emotion that washed over his face and his lips moved like he was going to say something but he wasn’t entirely sure what to say. It was sort of getting to me, watching him try to figure out where to start.

“Just apologize.”

“I’m sorry. I knew he had seen you because you left those contact numbers. I know your handwriting.”

“It wasn’t a surprise, was it? That he would want to go back to sleep? If the head massage worked once, it was logical to try it again.”

“Bucky’s not that logical, but you’re right,” Steve conceded. He put his cup down and took my hand. He leaned towards me and tilted my head towards him.

“Tony forbid us to contact you. The entire team. I didn’t know he had told Bucky any different when we left. He didn’t react badly when F.R.I.D.A.Y. told us Bucky had been sleeping over 24 hours. He seemed so smug, I forced him to tell me the truth. He said he didn’t want Bucky to die or have a psychotic break. He had actively started to encourage Bucky to go see you a week ago. Bruce had told him he calculated that one would probably happen sooner rather than later given how little Bucky actually slept. Nobody told me that, they told Tony. He’s the one who had to be convinced.”

I nodded at him to continue and he took a deep breath. “I stood outside your door a few nights, arguing with myself about knocking. I was ready to get thrown out, go to jail, be arrested and detained or whatever just to get him some help. Bucky wouldn’t let me. He stood there with me, talking me down. Nothing was going to happen as long as I didn’t knock. I could have ended it just by knocking.”

Steve put his head in his hands and tugged at his hair. I heard his breath as it shuddered out of him. I saw his shoulders as they rounded in and sank. I put my hand on his shoulder and patted it. I rubbed up and down, being as comforting as our distance would allow. He took a few more hard deep breaths, and finally looked up at me. 

“How do you do that?”

“What Steve?”

“Calm me down like that?” he asked with a shake of his head. I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just shrugged. He smiled at me and shook his head too.

“I guess I’m just gifted with comfort, I don’t have any answers for you on that one Steve. I have never figured out why people like to tell me things or feel so comfortable around me; I’m just glad that some of them do.” I finished with a smile. Steve looked so lost at that moment that I stood up and stepped over to him, wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. 

“You guys are killing my long weekend. I’m going back to bed and not to be mean but could y’all not be here when I wake up? That would be great.” I said as I stepped back from Steve. He smiled slightly and nodded at me.

“Sorry to screw up your plans.”

“You were just worried, I get it. I would have preferred if you could have waited until a more decent hour of the morning but I get it. You were worried about Bucky.”

“I was worried about you too. I always am, but especially with him. Bucky isn’t a horrible man but he has done bad things and he’s not the man I used to know exactly. He’s damaged, and he’s not sleeping and I worry that he’s not telling me how bad things are for him and that he might hurt himself or someone else ...” he stopped talking and looked at me with pleading eyes.

“He told me that he hasn’t been sleeping, he told me he’s a bad man and I should be scared of him. He shares your worries and doubts Steve, maybe more because he knows things you don’t. Things he can’t tell anyone or they become real, or that he wants to hold onto because it makes him feel more grounded to himself.” I put my hand on Steve’s arm and squeezed it, looked into his eyes and continued. “He’ll let you in Steve when he’s ready. That’s the rub, right? Waiting until he’s ready. All he wants from me is to put him to sleep. I’m not learning anything from him. We’re not talking or being friends or even really saying hi. I ask him what he wants and he chooses something. All I offer is a couple of choices and a massage. You have a history and you are his friend. You will always be his friend.”

He shook his head at me with a grin, “See there you go, doing that thing again where you know just what to say and make perfect sense. You always make me feel better. Never change.”

“Just remember that when I’m telling you the stuff you don’t want to hear, don’t like and want me to never say again. Unfortunately, it works both ways. I get to be wonderful and the worst too. Everyone does Steve. Now go away with your friends, I’m going to bed.” I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before I turned away and headed to bed.


	5. Sleeping Beauty Rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets some rest and makes a decision

Bucky woke up because someone wouldn’t stop talking. It was a woman, not the woman that he had brought here. No, her voice was velvety, warm and sweet, it wasn’t grating like the one he heard now. He blinked and realized that he was still lying on his stomach in the middle of the bed. He’d never actually slept in this bed. He had tried and failed many times, ending up on the couch in one or another room trying to fall asleep and eventually doing it for seconds or minutes until something jarred him awake. This felt different. He was stiff from not moving, his mouth was dry and fuzzy feeling. He registered all of this as he spied the water on the bedside table and it registered on him that the voice he was hearing was the AI.

“What?” he croaked out, wondering if he would always sound like he had swallowed gravel when he awoke now.

“Captain Rogers wants to know if you are coming to dinner tonight?”

“Dinner? What time is it?”

“6:30 p.m.”

“I slept almost 24 hours?” Bucky mused out loud. The AI didn’t know that he wasn’t asking an actual question and answered him.

“No. You slept over 72 hours.”

“Well no wonder Steve is back then,” mumbled Bucky as he rubbed his hands over his face and rolled over to get up. He sat on the edge of the bed and drank the water that had been left. He didn’t know how he had managed to sleep that long without having to eat or go to the bathroom. He knew it was possible for that to happen to him when he was frozen, everything shut down; but how had he managed to stay asleep so long now? He chased that thought around his head for a while until it was overtaken by thoughts of her. Her hand on his calf, her hands on his body, her weight on his back, her warmth, her smell, her eyes. He had to stop.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“Yes, sergeant?”

“Was I drugged?”

“There have been 17 different screens run by the team since they found you after the mission say not, sergeant.”

Bucky chuckled at that. Of course the team would have gotten paranoid. They wouldn’t have wanted to wake him up if he was indeed sleeping but they would try to coax him awake as softly as possible if it wasn’t an emergency. Had there been an emergency? Awake or not he assumed they would have loaded him on the Quinjet and expected him to get his act together when it was action time. 

Bucky felt odd. He had been so tired for so long that this was a new feeling, being rested. He didn’t know how she did it, but her touch was like a magic balm. Steve had talked a little about her, he said she was special and different. Steve called her a friend, and that mattered because Steve was a hard guy to win over. Being one of his friends meant the world, Bucky knew that first hand. Steve would kill or die for his friends.

Bucky got up and headed to the bathroom. His bladder was screaming as soon as he started to rise. He remembered why he might have been able to stay asleep for so long, he was certain that it had a lot to do with the fact that the less sleep he got the less he ate and drank in some deluded effort to force his body out of commission. It had been easier with cryo. He hadn’t had a choice about sleeping there. Of course, he wasn’t really asleep there and he didn’t really dream either. 

Bucky had dreamt this time. He could remember pieces of those dreams even now. He was also very aware some of them had been sexual and he was slightly stuck to his pants as he tried to pull them down now. He managed to get himself free and toss the pants into his laundry hamper. He finished up slowly and looked in the mirror as he ran the water to get cleaned up. He noted how he looked a little less like a corpse and a little more like he could do with a nice meal than he had in what? Decades, probably.

Bucky made sure the water was warm and took a washcloth and cleaned up. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair. He knew Steve would appear soon, so he decided he would shower after he ate so that he didn’t keep the team waiting too long. They were probably chomping at the bit to make sure he was alright. He didn’t know why he inspired so much interest amoung these people but it was nice to know that Steve was getting better at making friends. He was looking at himself in the mirror as a smile started to spread across his face. Then there was a knock at the bathroom door.

“What?” He grunted, he had barely recognized himself in the mirror especially with that smile and he wasn’t going to get a chance right now to get used to it.

“Bucky, are you ok?”

“Fine Steve, just getting presentable.”

“Are you coming to dinner? Should I bring it in here?”

“I’ll be out in a second Steve. I’ll get dressed and be right there ok?”

“Ok.” He could hear the concern in Steve’s tone and he hoped that he’d gone back to the others so that he could go get some clothes on and go get some food. 

He tried really hard not to think about the woman that he couldn’t keep off his mind. That gorgeous siren whose touch calmed and settled him like no one else’s. He didn’t know how but she had control over him, a control that he had granted to her. She didn’t take it, force it or demand it. It just was. It had happened slowly and all at once with that first touch and he would never be the same. That first day he had needed her to help him because Steve was so sure that she could. Then he had seen her and he wanted her to save him, to touch him and make him ok; and she had. Since that moment he had craved her and her touch. He had tried so hard not to go back but he had given in because he had needed to sleep and that was just one of the reasons that he had to see her.

He had started to forget the sound of her voice, the way she moved. He thought it was impossible but it had started to fray and become fuzzy. He wanted to firm up the edges and the details. To know how many flecks of colour were in her eyes. How many laugh lines she had and would get. He wanted to ask her questions and know all her secrets and he didn’t really know why. He couldn’t recall that he had ever felt that way about anyone before. He had liked women before, chased them, caught them, had them in his arms and his bed, but he had never ached for one of them as he ached for her. The moment he saw her it had started. It ebbed and flowed but it was always there. She had infected him as much as she had started to heal him and he didn’t know why or how it was, but it was her and he was glad that it happened. He was terrified that she would somehow put him back together and then disappear. He was also so very scared of needing her and losing her. 

Most of all he wanted to get a chance to take care of her, to repay her kindness to him, because she, more than anyone, had no reason to be so good to him. She couldn’t know that much about him, regardless of what Steve might have told her. He knew she must know more about the bad things he had done than the good. She wasn’t an Avenger and she wouldn’t have their biases and yet she had been nothing but accepting and compassionate. She deserved to be appreciated and repaid for that. As far as Bucky was concerned she deserved the world and everything in it that she wanted. He was going to find some way to give it to her.

With his mind made up and a heart full of fear and excitement, Bucky took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door to get dressed for dinner.


	6. Dinner With the Lean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avengers dinner are the most interesting when caught between an ex and new crush right?

I was soundly asleep under the must-read novel that just bored me to tears when F.R.I.D.A.Y. let me know Bucky was awake. The AI was quite enthusiastic about having successfully woken the sergeant and let me know that he was going to have dinner with the rest of the team. F.R.I.D.A.Y. then proceeded to tell me that I was invited to dinner with the team as well if I wanted to attend.

I was groggy, dressed in sweats and no where near feeling like I should be with other people but the lure of a meal that I didn’t have to cook had me staggering to my closet for a change of clothes and pulling a comb through my hair before I headed up to the team’s floor to get some food. It wasn’t hard to tell that the team was in good spirits when I got there with the loud chatter met me as soon as the elevator doors opened. I started towards the sound when I saw a door further down the hall open and someone stepped into the hall coming in my general direction. I realized it was Bucky and when he saw me his eyes widened slightly before he nodded to me and turned into the room I surmised had the dinner going on in it. I was just steps behind him.

When I entered the room, Bucky stood by the empty chairs at the table and held one out for me, he pushed it in for me and then seated himself. Steve smirked at his plate and everyone else seemed busy as they talked to each other about their escapades. The food was passed quickly between everyone and people started to eat as soon as they had something on their plate. I tried not to listen to all the different conversations and just focus on one, but I lost track of threads as some got louder and others were drowned out.

I caught Bucky as he looked at me several times, but I also caught Steve as he glanced to me and Bucky. His interest in whatever he thought he might need to know about Bucky and I was almost another person at the table and I saw Nat as she tried to pry his attention away from Bucky and I to anything else. She succeeded off and on, but Steve was not going to be deterred from his watchfulness. It seemed that Bucky caught onto Steve far more quickly than I had, but he seemed intent to keep the peace and stopped looking up from his plate altogether after Nat’s third attempt to distract Steve.

Dinner was so good, roasted vegetables and juicy meat. There was wine, water, beer, mead and even some juice for anyone who wanted something different. It was an unusual spread for me, though the others seemed to find it average. I had nothing to compare it to, but I knew I would not soon forget it. Part of that was the easy camaraderie and part of that was the way the Bucky was sitting. He’d sat down to my left, but over the course of the meal, his leg had pressed harder against mine as if he was seeking comfort in my closeness even as he refused to look at me or anyone else there. 

I wondered if Steve knew that this was happening. If that was why he looked so hard at Bucky throughout the dinner; neither man seemed to tire of the odd game they were playing. For the most part, the rest of the team avoided making anything of it. For my part all I knew was that Bucky’s leg was nearly flush with mine from hip to toe, the heat he radiated made me slightly uncomfortable as it added to the overall warmth of the room. More than anything I didn’t understand why he would want or need to touch me like that, it seemed too intimate for him based on what I had seen him do so far and it felt a little too intimate for me. Bucky was someone I barely knew, yet it was also such a relaxed contact that I began to wonder if I was just making too much out of the fact that leg room was at a premium at this table.

On my right, Scott Lang bumped into me almost constantly, both with his arms and legs. It really wasn’t a spacious table with all of us at it. I watched the others eat and talk as I finished my meal. I didn’t have anything to add to the tales of adventure and peril that were being told, so I sat quietly and was a bit surprised when Bucky took my plate from me and motioned for me to follow him. Almost as soon as we were up, everyone brought their empty plates and stacked them on the counter before they walked off to do whatever they chose. Bucky didn’t say anything at first he just started to fill the sink, as he prepared to clean the dishes. Even Steve had disappeared, without so much as a nice seeing you or goodnight. 

Bucky turned to me and handed me a dish towel. “I’ll wash and you dry.”

“Ok. Thanks for dinner, it was really good.”

He looked at me then, “I didn’t cook it but I’ll pass along the thanks.”

I nodded and a small smile crept across his lips before he turned away. “We were the last ones in so we wash up.” He gruffed as he handed me the first of many items to be dried.

I wasn’t sure where to put the dried items so I stacked them on the counter. Bucky watched me do this until I had a little collection of silverware. He cocked an eyebrow at me and then he turned and looked directly at me. He picked up a fork and waved it around, “Tony has a system for people who are new here. Since you don’t know where anything goes you just move the thing around and it will show you where it goes.”

As he spoke a drawer slid open and showed where the silverware was. Bucky put the fork away then proceeded to continue washing the dishes. I put the remaining silverware away and then started to wave the glass I dried next around until a cupboard opened. I felt silly and I tried not to check to see if anyone had caught sight of me and was amused by my flailing.


	7. A Break From the Usual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone hasn't forgotten how to win the ladies over

After many more dishes, we had finished our role of cleaning up. Bucky went to the fridge and got himself a beer, he brought me a glass of wine that I hadn’t even seen him pour. As he sat beside me his body heat radiated over me as his leg found its way along mine. He stared straight ahead as he sipped his beer. I was fairly certain that this was some sort of grounding behaviour he had adopted. I thought about this as I swirled the wine in my glass. His leg against mine was probably an unconscious act on his part. Maybe I represented comfort or calm, and being close to me reinforced that feeling for him. I took a sip and looked in Bucky’s direction. I almost dropped my glass when our eyes met and a galvanizing pulse shot through me.

“You ok?” He asked and he looked deeply concerned as he put his beer down and reached towards me.

“Yea, fine.” I lied. I steadied my glass and placed it on the table in front of me. He watched me, I could feel his eyes on my face but I didn’t want to meet his gaze. I had no idea what the hell was going on with me, why had just a simple look made me feel so much like I would burst into flames? He waited and watched me quietly. I didn’t feel judged but I did feel sillier by the second. I looked up at him with a small tight smile.

“Are you really?” He asked in a low whisper. The timbre of his voice sent shivers down my spine and I nodded at him. He put his hand gently over mine and waited for me to look at him. I met his eyes, fear and anticipation swirled through my body making me feel sick and calm in varying degrees as the seconds ticked by.

“I am Bucky,” I assured him as best I could. I patted his hand over mine and smiled at him. He smiled back at me and I was blinded by the purity and sweetness of it. When he looked away, he picked up his beer and muttered under his breath.

“I heard that,” I replied. I looked at him with concern etched in my features. He had said, “I’m not.”

He smirked at me, pushed his leg against mine and leaned towards me, “You help with that you know? That’s why I let you hear me. That’s why I let you touch me. Do you know why you can help me and teams of doctors, scientists and so many others can’t?”

His voice was soft and the tone pleading and edged with desperation. The look on his face was so open and clouded with – I couldn’t tell if it was hope, fear or if it was something else. “I don’t know Bucky. I wish I could tell you something satisfying, but I don’t know any more then you do. What I can say is that I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

He blinked at me. He sat perfectly still, his hand over mine and I could feel the thrum of his pulse against my skin. He looked at me, his gaze was heavy and curious. I started to feel like a bug that was soon to be pinned to a specimen card. He was fascinated by me, by what I had said. I watched him and realized that he didn’t know what to do or say in response to me. We stared at each other for several minutes more before he pulled his hand away and finished his beer. I gulped my wine and stood to leave.

“Let me walk you out.”

Before I could say a word, Bucky stood, took my glass to the sink and put his empty bottle in the recycling bin. I watched him as he moved. He smelled good, he looked good and I was so very glad that I was only one glass of wine in because I could control myself like the professional I was and would continue to be if I was going to continue to help this man. He needed my skills, not my filthy mind. I tore my gaze away from his ass and turned to head out the door. He was beside me in a moment, and he matched his steps with mine with no effort. He pressed the call button for the elevator and held the door for me when it opened as if he was afraid I would get caught in the doors.

He looked at me for a long time, the doors stayed open because his arm was there and the tower had everything covered. He looked like he wanted to say something, then he stepped forward and let the doors close him in with me. He stood right in front of me as he looked down at me, he took my hand and raised it to his lips then kissed the back lightly. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his the entire time, and I was not sure at all how I was still standing.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said and he winked. He pressed the door open button and stepped out. He looked at me until the doors closed again. He had a small smile on his lips and his eyes twinkled. I could feel a deep blush spread across my face as the doors mercifully slid shut again. I pressed the button for my floor and prayed that my body would hold me up until I got to my apartment and could collapse in private.


	8. Let Off the Hook or Let Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve wants to talk

When the doors opened on my floor my joy at being close to home was cut short by the sight of Steve as he paced in front of my door. I hadn’t given him a second thought since Bucky and I started doing the dishes and now I was wracked with guilt. Steve was obviously worried about something, and I prayed it wasn’t Bucky because I didn’t think I could deal with the things that were crowding my mind about him under Steve’s gaze. Steve muttered to himself and he didn’t seem to have noticed that I had arrived. I stepped off the car and walked towards him.

“Steve?”

His head snapped up and he smiled at me, “Hey. Can we talk?”

My heart sank at that, but I decided to get it over with. “Sure, Steve. What’s up?”

Steve was practically vibrating with whatever it was that he wanted to say. We walked through the door and Steve made a beeline for the teapot. I smiled and took a seat on the couch. Steve found the tea quickly, he had obviously been watching me when he was last here. He got everything set up and then ran his hands through his hair. He was nervous and it made me nervous in return. I watched him as he hid out in the kitchen and waited for the kettle to boil. He jumped when it squealed and then set about making us a cup each. He turned off the stove and brought the tea over to the couch slowly so he didn’t spill it. He put the cups down on the coffee table and sat down beside me. He stared straight ahead and tried to control his breath, it came faster and slower depending on how hard he concentrated.

“Steve?” I asked and I put my hand on his back.

“I met someone.” He coughed out. I felt his back stiffen after he made the statement. He waited for my reaction.

“That’s wonderful Steve. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Are you ok with this? I don’t want you to think that my happiness matters more to me than your feelings.” He sat back and looked at me worriedly.

“Of course I’m ok with this Steve. We haven’t been with each other in years, and we are friends first. I’m happy if you are.” I took his hands and looked at him closely. He was tired and his face relaxed into a smile as my words sank in. He took a deep breath.

“I’m so lucky that I know you,” he breathed as he shook his head. “No one else would put up with me and my shenanigans. No other person has ever been so understanding of my choices, my life.”

“C’mon Steve, I’m not the only friend that you have.” I scoffed and grabbed my tea to take a sip. I looked at him over the brim of the cup, he was startled and flustered when his eyes locked on mine.

“You are the only person that I can talk to about this. You actually care about me.”

I put the cup back down and nodded at him to continue. Instead, Steve sat there and stared at me, as if trying to telepathically transfer me his intentions. “Well are you going to tell me about her, or are you going to make me guess?” I asked finally. Steve sighed then laughed and started to talk.

He went back to the beginning, telling me how he had first met Sharon when the Winter Soldier had reappeared, how he had worked with her a little more after Sokovia and the Accords. He explained how confused he had been to find that she was related to Peggy, only after Peggy passed away. He wished that Peggy had known he was going to be happy but he was also aware that it might have been hard for her to see him with a relative. How after he became a fugitive Sharon had helped him, Sam and Bucky get their gear back and get out of Berlin. 

He talked for hours, telling me mostly about what he had been doing while he was gone. How Bucky had been rescued and rehabilitated in Wakanda. How Wanda had helped to free him of his programming making it safe for him to be in the world without fear of being used against others. The things I learned about Bucky’s past were painful and yet they helped me understand the man I was getting to know now. I could see how he would appreciate me asking him what he wanted, giving him a choice rather than just doing things to him.

Steve kept going back to Sharon. He could spend time with her now that he was back in the tower, but he wasn’t sure how to date a modern woman. He was excited to be close to her and to have the chance to get to know her but was terrified that he might somehow put her off with his ways. I smiled at him as he mused at his failings as a suitable date and patted his shoulder.

“Listen, Steve, all you need to do is talk to her. Sharon will tell you what she wants, she’ll even show you. She might take the lead or she might wait for you to give her a sign first. Dating hasn’t changed that much really. She kissed you right? So you know she likes you. Just ask her for a walk or coffee. Take her to the shooting range if that’s her thing. The fun part is getting to find out what she likes then using that knowledge to your advantage.”

“That sounds devious.”

“It is and it isn’t. If you go to coffee and she tells you all about her favourite cookies, listen. Then one day when you want to give her a treat get her one of those cookies. Or when she’s just chatting and she says she really like jazz, or wants to see this new movie, or loves the mall at Halloween – as long as you listen to what she is saying you’ll get lots of useful tidbits about her that will help you figure out what she likes and doesn’t so you’ll know what kind of dates and outings that you can take her on.”

“Can’t I just ask you?” He looked so sincere and he smiled so winningly that I had to laugh.

“Yes you can ask me, but I’m not Sharon. I don’t even know her. So I don’t know how much help I can be in winning her over. You’re on your own there.”

He shook his head and chuckled. “You’ve taught me a lot of useful things, least of which is how to not be surprised that women are still so much smarter than men.”

He pulled me close to his side and squeezed me. We finished our chat and he decided to go. He looked upset for a moment and shrugged when he caught the question in my expression, “Bucky. This is the time he usually starts screaming if he’s fallen asleep. He has such awful nightmares. He says he can’t even call them bad dreams because they are memories, his memories.”

“I’m sorry that he’s hurting like that, but we can help him through it if he lets us.”

“He’s letting you. Don’t let him hurt you though if you ever get afraid tell him. If he doesn’t stop, tell me.” Steve looked stricken but intense as he finished the thought. I agreed to tell both of them if it happened. “He’s a great guy. He just doesn’t feel like himself yet.” He added as he pulled the door open. 

“He will, with time. He learned many things that closed him down. He will learn new things now and hopefully, he will open up. All we can do is give him the tools, the support and the time. Bucky is the only one who can do the work. It seems like he’s doing pretty good, all things considered.”

“You think so? I sometimes feel like I put so much pressure on him because I knew him before all this and I keep finding myself expecting him to be that guy again. He is and he isn’t. I know that frustrates him as much as it does me. Probably more. I need to remember that he doesn’t remember everything like I do, that he doesn’t recall who I think he was. He knows bits and pieces of the past, and he’s working on putting it together. I just want him to be ok. I don’t know if I can even help him be ok.”

“You being there for him is helping Steve. Does he talk to you? Does he spend time with you? When he has nightmares, does he let you help him?” Steve nodded at all of these questions. “Then I’m going to say you are doing what he needs and you are helping him. All I do I give massages, it doesn’t compare to being there day in and day out.” Steve stepped towards me and put his hands on my shoulders. He looked down at me, suddenly serious.

“He trusts you. You are helping more than you know, even with just a massage. I’m almost jealous at how much he seemed to lean on you tonight. Half the time he won’t even sit at the table, just takes the plate and goes. The other half he starts eating then leaves, the crowd is too much for him. Tonight is the first time he stayed through the entire meal. That’s big for him.”

“I’ll take your word for it, Steve. It’s better than thinking he was protecting me from you all.” I said as I playfully smacked his arm. He grinned and pulled me into a tight hug.

“I’ll see you soon. Goodnight sweetheart.”

“Goodnight Steve.”


	9. How to Determine Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has thoughts

Bucky hadn’t wanted you to go but hadn’t known what to stay to keep you there either. He wasn’t sure why he felt so close to you, or why he needed to be so physically close to you either. Everything about you was a comfort, even just having you near made him feel at ease. He had been living with other people for a good while now, well over a year, even counting the cryo, and yet he still felt uncomfortable after a few minutes. He had no concept of small talk any longer, he could pull off very little outside of talking about the weather or maybe the food. He didn’t like to talk while he was eating either. He had spent too many years only eating out of necessity and it was still foreign for it to be a social activity. He felt edgy if he was with the team for more than 15 minutes at dinner because they were so boisterous and energetic.

He wanted to be energized by other people, but he wasn’t there yet, even with the team. With you, it was a different story. With the calm you brought came a quiet vim that invigorated him and made him feel. He was aware that he could feel things now, but most of it was a dull sort of noise in the background. A bump here, a flex there, cold, hot, breeze, tickle, smooth, coarse; it all rolled into a low-level hum as he wet through the day. He didn’t really think about any of it, so it had no real impact on him. He spent his time watching people as he tried to learn the new social cues he would need to be safe and get by in the world as it was now. That wasn’t as fun as it might sound, especially since the only people he could watch were his teammates and they weren’t exactly the least guarded people he had ever spent time with. Maybe one day they would let him out of the tower for a walk, but currently, he was in safe keeping.

Then there was you. He was allowed out to see you. He had even been allowed to leave the tower to get you. Somehow everyone trusted that you would attract him and keep him from wandering off. He had no control over that, even if it was only because you had put him to sleep. If you were now a known weakness of his, he was going to explore that more. He moved from the elevator to his room so quickly he wasn’t even sure that time had passed. He went in and strode around the first room repeatedly as he tried to relax. Bucky was tense and nervous about approaching you. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted from you. He wasn’t so tired that he needed to sleep, yet he wanted to see you more than he could understand. 

He kept telling himself it was just infatuation. He had had those before. Bucky had vague memories that he had chased girls before. He half remembered the thrill of the kiss, the soft sounds he had made, that had been made for him, as bodies were touched and teased. He could almost feel the need for contact, but it was always just a whisper of a memory that wasn’t quite right until he was nearer to you. Somehow you turned up all the whispers, you made them clear and strong enough that he vibrated with the sensations of his past like he was back there. Your touch chased that all away and brought him back to the here and now and he revelled in that as he had never done. Each moment was precious and fleeting. He simply had to have more.

Bucky didn’t stop to think about it, he took the stairs down to your floor and walked quickly to your door. He had been there many times, never getting up the nerve to knock. Never feeling like he had the right to take up your time. He wanted to get his confidence back, to be able to look at you and talk to you like he wasn’t scared or full of regret for what he had done. Bucky knew that he was locked in his head far too much, that he spent too much time dwelling on the darkness in his life and he ached to find something good. Then he found you, a bright spark that made everything much more tolerable. Since he’d met you he had started to think about something besides what he’d done, how bad he was, how bad he felt, how he wished people would just lock him away and forget him – let him forget he existed. Steve would never do that, and Bucky sometimes hated him a lot for that. Since Steve had brought you into his world though, Bucky found that hatred lessened.

Bucky froze at the sound of voices coming from your apartment. His heart pounded in a panicked staccato and he wanted to flee. He had managed to do this for himself, but Bucky hadn’t thought that you might have someone in your life. That he might have imagined that you were interested in him in any way. Bucky knew that people could be just friends, but he selfishly wanted all your time and attention even if all that happened was just a friendship. As he hesitated there at your door, he recognized the voices as yours and Steve’s. 

He was suddenly ashamed and wanted to run but he couldn’t move. His head swirled with confused thoughts of how wrong this was, how wrong he was and how he needed to leave you to the world you belonged in. He wondered how he could have missed the signs that you were with Steve? How had he not see the connection, noticed Steve’s treatment of you? How had Bucky been so blind to the obviousness of that? Of course, you would be with Steve, you deserved a good man and that’s what Steve was and Bucky would never be again. Bucky wanted to pound his head against the wall for being so stupid.

Even as he stood there at war with himself he listened. The voices laughed and said happy things, they talked about Sharon. Sharon. Bucky knew Sharon. Now Bucky was embarrassed. Steve loved Sharon, anyone could see that when they were together. Bucky had enough sense of his old friend to know Steve didn’t carry on with women as Bucky had been accused of in the past. Steve was a one-woman man, he certainly didn’t have it in him to see two ladies at the same time. Steve was a horrible liar, and more than that, Steve was too sweet to be able to get past the idea that he could hurt someone. 

From what he could remember and what Steve told him of his younger days, Bucky had never lied to anyone, and he had never been with two girls at the same time. He had dated many girls, one after the other often, but he was always faithful when he had a lover. He had had a few, but not as many as he was credited with or as people seemed to say he had. He shook his head and started to move away from the door. He didn’t want to interrupt your conversation with Steve, and Steve might even hear him out here, so the sooner he left the better off everyone would be. 

Bucky took the elevator back to his room, exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions he had just cycled through in the last half hour. He smirked to himself and shook his head as he left the elevator and went to his rooms. He stripped off his clothes as soon as he was inside and went straight to bed. He was tired, his body had relaxed enough that he might actually get a few hours before anything woke him up. He could see you anytime now, and he had been seeing you in his dreams for weeks. Either way was good for him right now. He laid still and started to relax, and soon Bucky was actually fast asleep.


	10. Oopsy Daisy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who would have thought you could sneak up on that guy?

I didn’t see anyone from the team again for about 3 weeks. No one came to visit; I wasn’t invited or called up to their floor. No one attended any of my regular classes either. Since Natasha and Maria had attended before, I guessed they would be there if they had the time and inclination. It was possible that they were training on other things and yoga just didn’t fit into the equation. Not being an Avenger type of person, I had no real idea what their day to day training would look like. Judging from their overall physical appearances, it was tough and well rounded.

I was sitting in my living room drawing up a course plan for the next meditation class I was going to run when there was a loud thump. I couldn’t tell if it was from the floor above if something had hit the wall or possibly my door. My heart pounded in my chest while I waited to see if anything would happen. My ears strained to hear anything over the rushing of blood through my veins. Living in the tower made me paranoid about the possibility of an attack occurring at any time. I was just about fully relaxed when there was another thump, this one shook the walls. It was definitely at my door too.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” I asked nervously.

“Yes, Miss?”

“Who or what is in the hall?”

“It appears to be Mr. Barnes Miss. He seems to be injured. Should I call for medical assistance?”

I was up and off the couch before the AI had finished the question. I threw the door open and there was Bucky, bloodied and battered. He sat facing the door, hand held across his body as he gasped for breath. I registered the boot mark on my door as I knelt in front of him to check his state. His hair was wet and stringy, he wouldn’t look up at me and I had no idea where he had come from or what had happened to him; let alone why he would come to my door instead of the infirmary.

“Bucky,” I coaxed. “Can you stand or do you need help?”

He shook his head and lifted his metal arm so that I could help leverage him into the apartment. I didn’t know how we managed to get him inside, he was so heavy and he was covered in blood and grime. He was wearing regular clothes so I guessed he had been out somewhere and not on a mission, but what the hell had happened? We shuffled through the kitchen and I deposited him on the sofa, not caring that I’d probably have to replace the thing because of Bucky’s state. I went back to the kitchen and wet some rags with warm water. I took them back over to Bucky and started to wash away the grime.

He sat still as I worked. He took shallow breaths and held his ribs while I cleaned off the dirt and blood. Maybe it wasn’t all his, but he could heal quickly and a superficial scratch might not show at all. I didn’t know but I kept working away. I soon realized it was futile. To get him clean and comfortable I would have to get him out of these clothes and into a shower. He had watched me since I had gotten back with the towels. He had a dark grimace on his face and I swore that his eyes narrowed with every breath and reopened with every exhale.  
I sat back and started to take off his boots. He wore combat boots, and they were heavy. They hit the floor with a loud thud as they came off his feet. I pulled his socks off and went after his belt. He grabbed my hands in his, he looked at me with a hint of concerned amusement.  
“The best way to get you cleaned up is to get you out of these clothes and into a shower Bucky. Can you lift your arms? If not I have scissors, we can cut your shirt off.”

“I like this shirt.” He grumbled as he pulled off his shredded jacket and shirt. With my hands-free, I sat back and watched him. I hissed when I saw the large black bruise across his side and rose to help him get his shirt off. He groaned as his arms came free and he panted from the pain. Judging by the bruise he had at least one severely broken rib, probably more.

“What the hell happened Bucky?”

“I kinda got hit by a train.”

“Kinda? How do you kinda get hit by a train?” I gasped, my mind pictured him sitting on the tracks as he waited for the locomotive to come flatten him.

“I went for a walk, ran into some guys who decided that throwing me off a bridge was a good idea, and I hit the train as I fell. Or it hit me. We were both moving.”

“Jesus Bucky, you were attacked?” My heart threatened to tear free of my chest, I was so horrified at the revelation. 

“Well not properly attacked, I was walking along this little bridge and these guys pushed me off of it. If they had tried to lift me or something I would have reacted faster, they just shoved me really hard and I went over. They were saying something about hippies and homeless long hairs. I didn’t catch it all with the train. I didn’t really hear them until it was too late, because of the whistle from the engine.”

He looked at me, guilt, shame and pain all over his face. He had almost gotten killed on his walk, and he had dragged himself here to my door to get fixed up. He probably hoped that I wouldn’t tell the team or Steve, but they would have to know. I didn’t think he could hide the ribs long enough to have them healed before someone noticed.


	11. Compromised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Showering will never be the same

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. The train’s fine. No one died.” he mumbled. He tried to smile but winced at the deep breath he took as well.

“You could have died.”

“We all die.” He shrugged and looked at his feet. “I’m cold.”

“Ok, let’s get you in the shower.” I put my arm around his waist and his metal arm over my shoulder and we shuffled towards the bathroom. I ran the water and tested the temperature. I insisted that he check and he nodded to me that it was fine. I showed him where the towels were, the soap and the shampoo were and turned to leave.

“I hate to ask, but can you help me with this?” He whispered. He looked scared and pretty lost as he tugged on the waistband of the jeans he was in. I felt silly. How had I forgotten that bruise on his side? Of course, he wouldn’t be able to get out of his pants alone.

“Sure Bucky; whatever you need.”

A shy smile spread across his face and he turned away from me trying to be modest. I let him unzip his pants and grabbed the sides, along with his underwear and pulled them down. Never in a million years had I thought I would be facing his tight ass like this, and I had to smirk to myself a bit. I lusted after a guy who basically saw me as the cleanup crew to his misadventures; I sure knew how to pick them. Even if my idea of my place in his world wasn’t ideal, I was still impressed at what I was seeing of him here and now. He was pale but he seemed more muscular then I remembered even Steve being. His veins left blue roads across his skin. The parts of him that had gotten more sun were nicely tanned and he had freckles here and there.

Aside from that, there was a large gash along his back, it was scabbed over and didn’t look too awful or infected but I was sure it meant that he wasn’t going to keep that shirt he liked or the coat for that matter. I tried hard to turn on the academic worker side of my mind, so that I could help Bucky without devolving into a drooling fool. It was working, almost, until he stepped into the shower. I knew as soon as he was in that he wouldn’t be able to wash properly. There was no way that he could reach his back, or examine that gash either. My shower curtain was clear, I could see him and he could see me if he looked. At the moment he leaned against the wall. His metal arm held him under the shower spray at an angle, so the water covered his shoulders and back. His other arm still held his ribs and as I watched him I swore he started to shake.

I didn’t think I just stripped off my clothes and got into the shower with him. I saw him tense up as he heard the curtain move, and he tried to turn as I got in but I put my hand on his back to keep him in place. “You need help. You can’t do this alone, so let me help.”  
He sighed deeply and gruffed out “Thank you.” as I picked up the soap and started to lather his shoulders. I worked down to the where the gash started and gently cleaned that for him. He trembled and it bled a bit as the water cleaned away the debris that didn’t belong there. I soaped down the rest of his back and sides, then worked down the back of his legs. He continued to lean on the wall during all of this, so I decided to just bite the bullet and wash the front of his calves, his upper thighs and chest too.

I ignored the fact that he was getting hard, as best I could, when I reached that area. Bucky was a man who, from what Steve had said, hadn’t had a lot of physical contact with anyone that wasn’t violent. I couldn’t get upset or excited that being touched now, in a soft and careful way, might arouse him. I was sure he was embarrassed enough. I worked the soap over his abs, and around his flesh arm, which he released from his side enough to allow me to wash. I washed his metal arm too.

“Did you want me to wash your hair too Bucky?” My heart raced as I said it. I hadn’t been too close to him yet, I had tried to be as discreet as I could. Barley touching his skin with my body as I washed him clean. I didn’t need to get myself into a bad situation with a man who just needed help, no matter how desperately my mind pushed sexual thoughts my way.

Bucky didn’t speak or move and I worried that he might have fallen asleep until his voice rumbled out. “Please.” I took the shampoo and squeezed a good amount into my hands; I rubbed it between them then set about working the shampoo through his hair. He groaned as my hands worked higher into his hair and he leaned his head back out of the spray which helped me to get the lather evenly through his hair. Within minutes he was pressed back against me and I wasn’t certain that I could hold him up if his legs gave out from exhaustion or sleep; or if mine gave out under his weight.

“Thank ya, feels so good,” He mused. He breathed deeply which pressed his back more firmly into my chest. His voice rumbled out of him, deep and low and it set fire to my already frayed self-control. I pushed him forward as I tried to steady him and my crazed libido.

“Ok, Bucky. Maybe we should get you dried off and in bed.”

“Whatever you say doll.” He said as he straightened up.


	12. Testing the Patients Patience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After cleaning up your super soldier you've got to figure out how to get him to rest.

He turned away towards the wall when I reached around him to turn the shower off, and he stayed in that position as I got out of the tub and under a towel. I guessed he was trying to allow me some privacy so that I could get this done without him seeing me naked. There was no doubt in my mind that he knew I was naked, but he tried to be a gentleman and not let me catch him looking. That small act made me feel ridiculously special. I grabbed a large sheet towel for him and held it up in front of me so that he could step out of the tub and wrap himself, and keep me from seeing him fully nude as well. 

He took the towel from my hands with a gentle tug and wrapped it around himself. He turned towards me and I took a smaller towel and started to dry his hair. He backed away from me but he couldn’t go far. I grabbed his towel and directed him to sit on the toilet. I had him turned so that I could reach the gash on his back, and I pushed the towel down until I could see the entire thing. I got out some antiseptic and cotton pads and cleaned it before I covered it in gauze and taped it down. He sat there with his hair dripping, the small towel loosely sitting on his head. I ran my hand over the bandage and put it on his shoulder.

“I should wrap your ribs, it will help with the pain. I know you heal quickly and all, but you’re in pain and all I have is Tylenol to help with that.”

As I spoke Bucky turned towards me and looked up at me. He smiled and took my hand from his shoulder. He kissed it, just like he had when he walked me to the elevator the night we had done the dishes after dinner with the team. I dabbed antiseptic across the few cuts on his face that were still visible and across the split in his lip. His eyes watered at that and he let my other hand go. I blushed at the kiss, but I worked past it to keep doing my job. He sat still and let me fix him up.

I went to get my tensor bandages to wrap his chest, and he followed me slowly. I turned to find him barely at the couch as he swayed on his feet. I hurried up to him and got his arm over my shoulders and helped him into the bedroom. He seemed to slow with each step we took towards the bed.

“Are you sure about this?”

“Bucky you can barely walk, you’ll be fine I promise I won’t attack you. Now sit down so I can wrap your ribs.”

He did as he was told. He sat stiffly on the edge of the bed, hands fidgeting with the towel in his hair. He seemed so uncomfortable that I knelt in front of him and caught his eyes. He stared at me for a bit before I could speak. I felt bad, I had not given him a choice about what was happening and I had probably made him uneasy. I had no right to tell him what to do, other than he was being a bad patient and moving around.

“I’m sorry Bucky. I can call Steve and he can help you get back to your room if you’re not comfortable being here.”

“No.”

I waited for him to say anything more but he didn’t. He just stared into my eyes and I started to feel like I was melting. Bucky reached for me and took my hands. He watched my face as he pulled me closer and handed me the tensor bandages to me. I guess I had my answer, in as much detail as Bucky cared to supply. Bucky started to towel his hair dry, which brought both his arms away from his body and allowed me to wrap his ribs. He hissed now and again but he told me that it was just right in tightness. I put the clips on and sat beside him on the bed.

“I’ll call Steve.”

“No. I don’t want Steve’s help. I came here for your help and you’re being very helpful. If you want me to leave I will get upstairs by myself, or possibly with your help but not by telling Steve.”

“He’ll find out you know.” I looked at him and his eyes darted away. 

“I know, but I’ll be in better shape to argue with him later. Right now I can barely move. You’re right. I’m in bad shape. Can I have a Tylenol or 20?”

I smiled at him, I started to go for the medicine, turned and grabbed my big fluffy robe and tossed it to him. “Put this on. I don’t have any men’s clothes, but this is big, soft and warm. Get under the covers and I’ll be right back with the Tylenol.”

I left the room, got the pill bottle, two glasses of water and turned out the lights in the rest of the apartment. I walked back into the bedroom and Bucky was still trying to get the robe on. I put the things I had in my hands down and went over to help him. I helped him pull the robe on and tied it closed for him. I pulled the blankets back and watched as he worked his way into a comfortable position on his back. I got him propped up on some pillows and handed him the glass of water and 2 Tylenol. He took them and swallowed them, he drained the glass then handed it back to me. We got him settled comfortably with fewer pillows and I went back into the bathroom to put on something to sleep in.

I had spent the past half hour running around in nothing but a towel and I wasn’t going to sleep in it too. I generally slept naked, but with Bucky in my bed and my ability to be a decent and promise-keeping person I needed something to sleep in. I had told Bucky I wouldn’t attack him and I meant that. I got into bed as close to the edge as I could. I tried hard not to jiggle the bed too much, I didn’t want to aggravate his soreness.

“Come closer doll. I won’t bite, and you soothe me.”


	13. Winding Down the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's time to sleep before the business of getting Bucky back to the others begins.

“Bucky?”

“I’m serious,” he said and patted the space along his side. “I’m tired and sore and you are my angel. You make me feel so good. Just come a little closer. Please.”

I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Bucky had never spoken to me so clearly or so openly. I sat up and looked at him. His eyes were closed but he was not asleep. I knew he wasn’t drunk and as far as I knew Tylenol made people anything but more truthful. 

“Are you alright Bucky?”

“No. I’m not.” he turned his head and looked right at me. “You are too far away doll. Please come closer. You can’t hurt me and I won’t hurt you.”

He held out his hand to me and his eyes pleaded with me to get closer. He looked so tired and I felt bad for him as well as excited that I could be close to him. I was invited and wanted. I knew it was silly, but I let my mind jump for joy that he wanted to be close to me. Even if it was just for the time being. Even if he never spoke to me again. I took his cool hand and moved closer, as smoothly as I could. He curled his arm around me, pulled me close and sighed.

“Relax doll. It’s going to be a long night if you stay so stiff.”

“Bucky, I can hurt you. I don’t want you to suffer because I hit you or kick you or bounce the bed the wrong way.”

“I bounced off a moving train tonight, I think I can handle whatever you might do. If I can’t I promise to scream and yell bloody murder until someone comes and rescues me from your evil clutches. Ok?”

“Ok, Bucky.” I sighed as I settled in for more jokes at my expense. He moved so that I was lying on his shoulder and he could look into my eyes.“Tell me if you need more Tylenol.”

“I will.” He said and sighed. He blinked and searched my eyes before he continued. “I just want to be close to you. It’s why I came here tonight. There’s something about you that makes me feel safe. You don’t know how much I need that. Even if it’s just for a few hours because I fucked up. I want you to know how much I appreciate you letting me in here. That you’re willing to humour me is a kindness I can only hope to get the chance to repay.”

I was frozen in his gaze. I wasn’t sure that I was breathing or that I wasn’t actually asleep and having some crazy dream. I had no idea how to respond to what he’d said. I had even less idea of what to do so I relaxed into him. I smiled and he seemed to relax a bit. He rested his head back and squeezed me a bit with his metal arm. Soon he was breathing with a deep and even cadence that told me he had fallen asleep. I laid there listening to him breathing until I slipped off myself.


	14. An Assassin's Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does an injured man want more than a little peace of mind?

Bucky dreamt of crushing things. Things that crushed him. He woke up with a start, he was breathing hard and his arm was weighed down. He looked over and there you were. Sound asleep. That much hadn’t been a dream then. As he laid there, listening to his heartbeat and your gentle breathing, he could feel the pain in his ribs again. The pain in the rest of his body wasn’t as strong, but his ribs were bad. The Tylenol helped. Having you beside him, made so very many things better.

He wasn’t quite sure how he had gotten to the tower, how he had gotten to your floor. He had dragged himself down the hallway, barely able to even stand. He had fallen and pushed himself across the rug the rest of the way. Then he had kicked your door. He didn’t even know if you were home. But you were the only person that he wanted to see so he was there. When he hit that train, when he had been falling through the air, the only thoughts he had were about you. Even Steve had been reduced to an afterthought, and Steve had moved mountains for him. 

He couldn’t tell Steve what had happened. Bucky was sure the first thing that would happen would be locking him in the tower for eternity, and the second thing would be a full-scale manhunt for the men that had been on that bridge. They may have only been kids, but they didn’t deserve to be hunted by Steve or the others. When he was stronger Bucky would find them, and he would teach them a lesson with Steve and anyone else who cared to join, but until that time he wanted to rest. 

He needed to see you though, and that idea wouldn’t leave his mind. It had gotten him up and moving, it had gotten him where he was right now. He was so incredibly happy and terrified too. He had gotten here and you had done what he hoped you would, you had taken him in. You had done more than that too. You stripped him, cleaned him and medicated him. You gave him a large fluffy robe. You put him to bed and you tried to even save him the embarrassment of being forced to cuddle with a beautiful woman after his ordeal. He had very nearly begged you to come closer and in the end, you had given in to his pleas while you made it clear that you knew that this closeness could lead to pain.

You had focused on the physical pain, but Bucky’s mind ran to the emotional pain that the current people in his life would tell him he wasn’t ready for. He didn’t know or much care if he was ready for it or not. What he knew was that it had happened, he was having emotional reactions to you, and he actually enjoyed it. He liked feeling alive in a different way than he had in so very long. He had all but told you that he had those feelings tonight, and you hadn’t laughed. You had been very accepting, if not a little confused by what he said. He wanted to know if it was because you had feelings too or because you didn’t. It would be better for him to know before things went too far. He didn’t want to get too attached to someone who might not be interested in him that way. 

Bucky wasn’t able to work up the desire to care about how things were done. He was old and he wanted to be honest. He wanted to be open and he told you what he had said because he thought that that was the easiest and best thing to do. He wasn’t going to lie to you about anything. You had seen him at so many of his lowest points when he could barely fend for himself and you had stepped up and taken care of him without pause. He was happy if that’s what this foreign feeling was, and he wanted to stay that way.

Bucky played idly with your hair and let your breathing lull him back to sleep. He was aware that he might feel less open tomorrow but he was determined to try to tell you everything he thought you should know. You had bandaged him up. You had jumped naked into the shower to help him, pressed your warm and firm body against his, never letting on that you knew he was getting hard because of your closeness. You didn’t make him feel ashamed of his reaction to you and he was sure you never would.

Bucky wanted to wake you and ask you to be his, but he also thought you might not react well to that. He could ask you in the morning. He was certain that you would be there, by his side. He didn’t know that much about the world anymore, but he knew in his bones that you were reliable and very strong, and more than anything that you cared about him. That mattered the most to him because he cared about you too. While he contemplated how good you felt there by his side, and how he wanted that in his life until it was over. Bucky fell asleep again.


	15. Isn't It Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting Bucky back to everyone else is going to be easy now that he's healing up.

As I woke up and stretched, I realized that Bucky was still there in my bed and he was still asleep. I laid there for a while and watched him breathe. His dark hair and eyelashes were long and set off the paleness of his skin. His cheekbones were high and sharp, as was his jawline. His lips were full and wide. He had good features, he was a good looking man even when he was as tired as he must be. I could see some deep bruises had risen on his face and I wondered if he would feel better or worse when he woke up given he had ‘bounced’ off a train the night before.

I was surprised that he had told me what happened, and a little worried that maybe he had jumped and made the story up to cover the fact that he hadn’t died. I hoped that wasn’t true because I really wanted him to be around. I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted him to tell me I was his angel again. I wasn’t sure that I cared for 'doll' as a nickname, it seemed odd to me, but it wasn’t my place to tell someone what a pet name could and couldn’t be. I would be hurt if I called him sugar or babe and he got offended or upset with me so I could live will doll from him.

I slowly moved my hand to his chest and laid it there over his heart. The beat was strong and steady. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the last time that I had felt close to someone like this, that I had been so comfortable and at ease. Even if he was a giant furnace stretching the limits of my favourite robe, Bucky was definitely making life more interesting. My bladder was screeching for relief so I got out of bed as stealthily as I could while unwrapping myself from his arm and side. I took a minute to marvel at how my night had changed from what I had thought it would be. I would still have to finish that lesson plan, but that could wait.

I checked myself in the mirror and brushed my teeth quickly to get the stale taste out of my mouth. If my breath smelled like my mouth tasted it was not a good idea to breathe on anyone. I went back into the bedroom, glanced quickly at Bucky’s sleeping form and headed out to the kitchen to get some food. I put on some eggs and dug out my toaster. Bucky seemed like the kind of guy who would like toast. I didn’t know what he might want on it, or if he would just make egg sandwiches. I took the eggs off the stove and went back to the bedroom.

“Good morning doll. Are you cooking for me?

“Good morning Bucky, I made eggs and toast. Do you want any peanut butter or jam with that?”

“Whatever you are having. Should I get up to join you?”

“No just stay there and I’ll bring the food to you. Did you want milk, juice, tea or water? I don’t have coffee, sorry.”

“Whatever you think is best. I’m not sure I’m that hungry.” Bucky replied honestly.

“Ok, I’ll be right back.”

I went back to the kitchen and got my bed tray; I put his food and mine on it. I put a glass of milk and juice too. Whichever one he didn’t drink I would. I put a little cup of peanut butter and one of jam on the tray too and went back to the bedroom. Bucky had propped himself up and looked my way when I came in. A large smile spread across his face as he watched me put the tray down and I fussed over making sure he was comfortable and had everything he needed.

I only noticed how that smile crinkled the sides of his eyes and nose when he grabbed my hands and pulled me onto the bed. “Sit angel, stop fussing. I’m fine as long as you’re here.” His voice was soft and warm. His words hit me hard and made my heart race. He looked at me with tenderness, an expression that I couldn’t remember seeing on his face before and not on anyone’s face for me in so long. I hadn’t known that I missed it or needed it until now. I smiled back at him and took my plate. I had no idea of what to say so I started eating. Bucky followed suit with a shake of his head.

We ate in silence. Bucky devoured his plate well before I was done with mine, I offered him half my toast and he ate that too, gladly. He drank the milk and the juice. Once I was done I cleared away the tray and came back to find him halfway to the bathroom. He had tried to get there himself but had gotten tangled in the sheets. I helped him get free and let him continue on his way. He seemed relieved that I didn’t follow him into the bathroom or offer to help. I figured if he got out of bed and was still standing when I got there he was good to get to the toilet alone. 

I fixed the bed up but left the covers turned down so that he could get in if he wanted to. I went back to the living room with some clothes and changed. Even if he wanted to stay I would have to get him something to wear besides my robe. It was stretched to the limits around his arms, back and chest, and I was worried, with this new mobility he might rip it accidentally. I debated calling Steve when I heard Bucky as he moved around the bedroom.

“Doll?” came his worried voice.

“Right here Bucky.” I stepped into the room again and he smiled. His look was relieved and then puzzled.

“Why are you dressed?”

“I don’t know if you want to go back to your room, but someone has to go get you something to wear that won’t rip in half if you make a sudden movement.” He looked down at himself and blushed.


	16. The Worried and the Agitated

“You’re right. I think my keys are still in my pants.” He turned and went back into the bathroom. When he returned he had his keys in one hand and his destroyed pants in the other. “I guess we should throw these out.”

He looked sadly at his ruined pants, then over to the jacket and shirt that shared the same fate. He set his shoulders back and walked to the kitchen, finding a large trash bag and then he gathered up the remnants of his outfit, checked the pockets for anything he might want; and threw the rest away.  
I noticed one of the things he took out of his coat was a piece of paper that reminded me of Steve’s sketch pad. I wondered what it was before I decided that it didn’t matter. Bucky needed clothes and the team needed to know he was alright.

Bucky approached me and handed me his keys. “I would go but you’re right, this poor robe is in jeopardy if I don’t take it off. I’ll go take a shower and when I get done you’ll be here right?”

“It’s my house Bucky. Of course, I’m coming back. Do you need me to unwrap your ribs?”

“I’m ok doll, I’m almost fully mobile again. Once I get some proper clothes there’ll be no stopping me.” He teased with a grin. His look turned serious and he put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be long ok? I’ll worry.”

“I won’t be Bucky. Go get your shower and I’ll see you soon.” I said as I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. I had limited clearance in the tower and wasn’t even certain that I could get to his floor, but I took the elevator up to where Bucky and the Avengers stayed. It was eerily quiet on the floor and I headed straight for Bucky’s room without stopping to look around. I got into his room and went straight for his dresser. I grabbed socks, underwear, a shirt, a sweatshirt and a pair of gym pants. I was looking around for something he could wear besides his boots when Steve found me.

“What are you doing here?” He demanded, he pulled me roughly around to face him and seemed surprised that I had an armful of clothes.

“Hi Steve. Nice to see you,” I avoided his question. “Does Bucky have slippers?”

“Why are you looking for slippers? What are you doing with his clothes? Where the hell is he? He’s been missing for days.”

“He’s fine Steve; he had a little mishap and needs something to wear. Does he have slippers or not?”

“I don’t know. All I know is you better take me to him!”

“Excuse me?”

Steve stopped and covered his face. “I’m sorry, he’s been gone 3 days. No one has seen him. He’s not in the tower, I’m worried sick. If you know where he is, please take me there so I know he’s ok.”

“He’s ok Steve. He’s in my apartment. He’s been there since last night.”

“The AI keeps saying he isn’t in the building. How can he be in your apartment?”

“I think I can explain that,” said Tony as he walked into the room. “Hello, darling. It’s good to see you. I don’t think Barnes’ things will fit you.” Tony hugged me quickly and turned to Steve. “I have a special protocol for members of the staff who see other members of the staff in professional capacities. This one here started it all. When I hired her she insisted that her sessions be private, nothing recorded. No sound or video. I took that a step further, anyone asking where someone is at the time of a session would be told they are not in the building. It’s to maintain privacy. Unfortunately, the system doesn’t distinguish between a working visit or a friendly visit, the system will just tell you that the person isn’t there as long as they are with the professional.”

“Tony, that’s dangerous. What if someone gets hurt?” Steve growled.

“The system watches, it just doesn’t record. There are overrides and safeties in place to ensure that no one would be hurt by anyone else, ever, in these instances. I’m not an idiot Steven.”

Tony puffed out his chest and Steve glowered. I was getting less interested in the entire conversation as the seconds passed, and I nodded at Tony when he looked to me. “Thanks for that Tony. I really appreciate your taking that request seriously.”

He smiled at me and I headed to the door. “Everybody out, unless one of you wants to lock up.”

Both men looked at me then made their way out of the room. As soon as I locked the door Steve took my arm and led me to the stairwell while Tony followed. Steve and Tony had clearance and access everywhere. I supposed that I would have to ask for access to the stairs if travelling between the floors became an issue, but currently, I didn’t think that I needed to have that clearance. Steve practically ripped the door to my floor open and marched us towards my door, his grip on my arm so firm that I felt like I was being dragged.

“Hold up there Steve,” I said as I pulled free. “I know you’re anxious to see Bucky, but I’d like to keep my arm attached to my body and I can certainly walk at my own pace.”

Steve blushed but his face was still hard. He was angry and I wasn’t going to let him take it out on me. I wasn’t going to let him take it out on Bucky either, but I would fight that battle when I had to. I opened the door and turned to the men as they tried to get by me. “He’s my guest, this is my house and I expect you two to behave. He’s banged up but he’s fine.” I moved my eyes between Steve and Tony, I wanted to be sure that they were both listening to me and that they would both agree. They nodded at me and I brought them into the apartment.


	17. The Work Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Bucky is back people have concerns

Steve relaxed as soon as he saw Bucky, Tony just stared. Bucky was wearing just a towel, he was peeling the bandage off his back and the dark bruise on his side was now just a horrid green-yellow, but it was obvious that he’d been hurt. Bucky turned towards the sound of us as we entered the room, he sighed and looked at me. His blue eyes glittered and he smiled a bit. “Brought the troops huh?”

“Didn’t have a choice Bucky. How come you don’t have any slippers?”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at me. Steve and Tony kind of scoffed and Bucky looked a bit shy, “Oh, I never thought to get any. They would be good right about now though.” He admitted as I handed him his clothes and he looked sad as I stepped back.

“Buck, where the hell have you been?”

“Steve’s been worried sick sergeant.” Tony chimed in. I knew that Tony couldn’t help himself, as Steve looked ready to explode. Bucky looked straight at the wall in front of him. Not giving away a thing.

“Look Bucky, you can’t just disappear. You have to let us know where you are. We worry about you. Nat’s been frantic, contacting everyone she knows. Clint and Sam are out flying over the area right now.”

“Jesus Steve, you didn’t have to send out the army. I just went for a walk.” Grumbled Bucky from his place on the couch.

“You left three days ago.”

“He bounced off a train.” I stammered. I knew it wasn’t going to help anything but I wanted to get to the meat of the issue and get the tension down before I had a stroke from the stress in the room. I wondered how badly he had been hurt if he hadn’t known he’d been gone three days. I started to feel bad that I hadn’t told anyone where Bucky was.

“He what?” Tony and Steve shouted in unison.

“I was out for a walk. I stopped on a little bridge to watch the trains passing. One was going by, I didn’t notice these other guys and they pushed me. I bounced off the train and then I came back here as fast as I could.” Bucky explained.

“There are no train bridges here, there are trestles. Not the same thing there Barnes. Those things don’t have guard rails. The closest one around here is in the train yards, and that certainly has no railings. Were you trying to get killed?” Tony hyperventilated as he fiddled with his watch. I tried to see what he was doing and saw some pictures flashing by. I kept forgetting Tony had all kinds of technology at his disposal.

“Bucky, did you jump or did they push you?”

I glared at Steve. “Oh my God! How dare you!” I snapped.

Steve looked at me bewildered. Tony added, “Rogers that’s rude. It’s bad form to ask someone if they tried to kill themselves in a large group.”

“Tony, I need to know if he’s stable.”

Bucky sat quietly through this entire exchange. I looked to him and he held out his hand to me. He watched me for a second, a question crossed his face and left as I took his hand. He pulled me towards him and I stepped forward and sat in his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, settled his head against my shoulder and breathed deeply as Tony and Steve argued over whether or not it was a good idea to ask a possibly unstable man if he was suicidal. I put one arm around his shoulders and brought the other up to stroke his hair. It felt natural, like we had done this before as we sat there and comforted each other. 

“I didn’t jump. I wouldn’t jump.” Bucky told me as he looked into my eyes. His look pleaded with me to believe him and I did. I stroked his hair.

“I know. You were pushed. You’re going to be more careful from now on right?”

“For you? Anything.”

Steve seemed to have heard that and both he and Tony trained their attention on us. “Bucky?”

“I said I didn’t jump Steve. I wouldn’t jump. I was just there thinking. I felt the shove, I flew through the air and hit the train, bounced off and woke up sometime later in the dirt. I made my way back here. That’s what I know. I made it, my phone and clothes didn’t.”

“That’s why you didn’t call.” Steve contemplated as he stared at Bucky and I. I couldn't hold his gaze. I wasn’t afraid he was upset with me but I didn’t want to deal with his obvious fury now. I just wanted to help Bucky as best I could.

“I couldn’t and then I was here and I didn’t. I just wanted to sleep and I was being well taken care of.” Bucky said, giving me a light squeeze.

“Where is the phone now?” Cut in Tony. I pointed to the trash bag with Bucky’s clothes and Tony went over to it, he made a disgusted noise as he looked through the contents and he pulled out some parts of what had been something mechanical. He shook his head and showed the pieces to Steve before he dropped them back in the bag. “F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“Yes, boss?”

“When did the sergeant get to the tower?’

“Sergeant Barnes approached from the west. He was unsteady and fell down approximately 43 times before he got into the building. He proceeded to pass out in the foyer for 45 minutes before he awoke and dragged himself to the elevators. The entire trip took him 337.6 minutes. He got onto the elevators and passed out again for an hour and 27 minutes. When he regained consciousness he pressed the button for this floor and 48.79 minutes later he arrived at the door to this apartment.”

“Jesus.” breathed Steve. I saw Tony’s jaw twitch and I rubbed Bucky’s shoulders to calm him. Listening to the AI recount his ‘adventure’ had him gripping my thigh and waist far too tightly. I was certain that Steve’s reaction and Toy’s silence didn’t help Bucky feel less like he was the focus of everyone’s attention and worry. “Has he been to the medical floor?”

“No,” Bucky said plainly.


	18. Who's Worried for Whom?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it a conflict when you are concerned for your friends and is it concern or a control issue?

“Then we should have him checked,” stated Tony. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. can you scan the sergeant for brain damage, concussion and anything else we should be concerned about.” Tony barked out. I knew that the AI could do these things for Tony in his suit because he had told me, but I didn’t know that it could do that to anyone anywhere.

“Currently Sergeant Barnes has no signs of head trauma, his ribs are healing well and all he appears to be suffering from currently is elevated blood pressure, possibly due to this conversation,” snarked the AI. Bucky chuckled at this and even Steve cracked a smile.

“I told you he was fine.” I intoned as Bucky loosened his grip on me. He pushed a bit at my hips so I got up and he stood, picked up his clothes and went into the bedroom. He closed the door behind himself and I guessed he was getting dressed. Tony paced back and forth and Steve walked over to me and gave me a dark look.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“I took care of him Steve, that’s all.”

“That didn’t look like taking care of him, that looked like you were.” Steve stopped short, he was red with anger and even Tony watched his outburst as it happened in low and furious tones.

“What Steve? What was I doing? He wanted me to sit in his lap. I rubbed his shoulders and stroked his hair to keep him calm. Some people find affection soothing. I personally can understand how some people might need that more than others.”

Tony coughed and Steve jerked. He blushed furiously and moved away from me. He stood with his back to the room and stayed there even when Bucky re-entered the room. Bucky looked around the room and sighed. “Steve?”

“Captain’s having a moment there Sergeant.” Tony piped up by way of explaining the rigid Steve who currently ignored everyone.

“Steve, there’s nothing going on here that you wouldn’t approve of. You told me if I needed any help with anything that I should come to her, that I should let her relax and comfort me if she could. Well, she can, so I did. She took me in off the floor and cleaned me up, she didn’t tell you because I asked her not to. I knew you would be mad that I got hurt, I also knew that I didn’t have the energy to argue with you about it and no one else should have to.”

“Bucky. I was so scared that you’d been taken, that you’d decided to go into hiding, that something even worse had happened. I know that you think you have to do this without my help, but I want to help. Please let me.”

Tony looked uncomfortable and stared at the floor. Tears stood out in Steve’s eyes and I could hear the pain in his voice, see the anguish on his features; as could Bucky. Bucky swallowed and moved towards Steve. “You do help Steve. You help more than you know, but some things you can’t do for me or anyone, no matter how much you want to. I need to be able to go places alone sometimes. I need to be able to have friends that aren’t Avengers too, even if the world is cruel and people aren’t always what they seem. I’m not trying to hurt you Steve or hurt myself. I’m just trying to be me.”

Bucky stopped when he reached a point where he could take Steve’s shoulder in a reassuring grip, but before he got too close. Steve just stared at Bucky, who returned the gaze. Steve nodded finally, and not a tear was shed, instead they manly exchanged half hugs ensued and Tony moaned about how it was good that everyone was just getting along now before he added, “Can we please get back to our lives?”

Steve seemed to deflate and everyone nodded in agreement. I wanted the group of them out of my house so I could relax. A nice bath, a big drink, some hot fantasies I’m sure were waiting for me as soon as this group shipped out. It was clear that Steve wasn’t going to leave without Bucky and I didn’t want to be around him if he was going to be acting weird and jealous over my so far totally chaste interactions with Bucky. Physical closeness hadn’t exactly translated into sex or sexual situations, and they probably wouldn’t in our case. 

I had to be realistic. Bucky probably wasn’t looking for a girlfriend or a relationship, and I knew that I wasn’t looking for just a fling or fuck buddy. I was pretty sure that that was what had worked Steve up, the idea that Bucky and I might start fucking and I would do for Bucky what I had done for Steve. I didn’t even know why he cared. Steve was happy with Sharon and I was happy for him. Bucky and I were not sleeping together or, it seemed, on the road there anytime soon. I didn’t think that Steve had any right to be jealous about anyone I might be with, even if it was his best friend Bucky.

I snapped out of my thoughts when Bucky pulled me into his chest and hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. He whispered in my ear, “Thank you, my angel. Don’t forget me.”

I smiled against his ear and replied, “Never, and you’re very welcome Bucky. Any time you need me you know where I am.”

“I’ll see you soon.” He promised as he stepped back. Tony gave me a quick hug next and Steve gave me a mixed look and nodded curtly to me. He turned to leave, and the others followed. Steve pulled my door open and held it, Tony went through and Bucky grabbed the trash bag and smiled at me before he followed Tony out. Steve stood there for a beat, “Thank you for being there for him. I do appreciate that.” Steve managed with a deep breath.

“I know Steve. I know that you were concerned, and worried. I had no idea he had been gone so long. I would have told you if I’d know it wasn’t just overnight. I don’t think he knew that himself.”

“I know.” Steve looked at me then. “You be careful ok? Don’t get hurt?”

“Fun fact Steve, life is about getting hurt sometimes. The rest of the time it’s about enjoying the ride.” I smiled at him and he smiled at me. Then he walked out and pulled the door closed behind him.


	19. Boys and Their Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve have a conversation that is kind of overdue.

Bucky wasn’t surprised to see Steve come back with you. He was a little shocked to see Tony, who was not his biggest fan, as they said these days. He was stunned that Steve verbally attacked you while he was changing. That started him wondering about what had happened with you and Steve in before. Steve told him that you were friends, that you’d helped him when he first came back into the world. Bucky hadn’t left the world, not really; but he hadn’t been living in it either. He’d thought that Steve wanted you to help him relearn the world as well, even though Steve had insisted that he didn’t think Bucky needed the same help as he’d had.

He’d backed Steve off of you as best he could without getting angry himself. Steve wasn’t acting rationally and Bucky was certain that was his fault. Steve didn’t handle loss well and Bucky knew that. The little accident hadn’t helped, and Steve had definitely shown signs of being stressed. Of course, Bucky felt bad that he’d worried and scared Steve and everyone else, but he’d done his best to get help and he wasn’t going to let Steve attack the only person he trusted. He knew it was supposed to be the team, but by and large, the team weren’t all that friendly with him and he wasn’t sure any of them could have done what you’d done. To be honest Bucky wasn’t entirely sure he could ever fully trust all the members of the team. He was certain that most of the team felt the same way about him. Sure they were all professionals and they would and could work together despite any personal doubts but that didn’t make him any more trusting of them.

It still bothered him the way Steve had looked at you and how he’d spoken to you. He’d wanted to rip Steve apart then, wanted to make him pay for hurting you. Even now Bucky was sure that Steve had hurt you with his words. He’d heard and seen it in your tone and your posture. Bucky hadn’t known you long but he knew when people felt negative emotions. It wasn’t only because he’d inspired so many, it was because he’d faced so many and felt so many himself that they were easy for him to recognize.

He’d slowed down his departure when he noticed Steve hadn’t left your apartment with Tony. Tony waited with him; he supposed as much out of curiosity as from the need to keep an eye on him for Steve. He was just going to turn back to find out what was happening when Steve stepped into the hall and closed your door. He nodded to them waiting for him and then they were on their way up the stairwell and back to their floor.

Bucky steeled himself for the interrogation that never came. Tony left them and went down to the main room where everyone spent their downtime. Steve opened the door to Bucky’s room and Bucky passed by him as he entered. Steve closed the door behind him and Bucky heard him take a deep breath.

“You can’t do this stuff, Buck. You can’t go running away.”

“I didn’t run away, I took a walk. I had every intention of coming back here that night, fate had other plans.” He shrugged and Steve looked confused.

“Buck, why didn’t you go to a hospital, or to the infirmary when you got here? The AI would have helped you.”

“I just wanted her, I needed to see her. When the voice asked if I needed help I said no. When she insisted on telling you where I was I said no. All I wanted was her, I knew she could fix me up and she did. She got me in a shower, she wrapped my ribs. She fed me, watered me, let me sleep over 12 hours. It wasn’t ideal but I didn’t have to fight her or explain anything. It was easy and that’s what I needed then.”

Steve sighed and nodded, he looked down at the floor. “Look I get that I’m intense sometimes. I worry, I’m protective and I ask a lot of questions. I learned from the best,” he finished and looked Bucky square in the eye.

“Steve, you can’t expect to protect me all the time. Especially not from myself. I know. I learned that from the best too.” Bucky replied with a wry tone. “I know you care and I care about you too. I can’t fully explain what that woman means to me, but she means something. She’s special and I know you know that. She gives me the ability to choose for myself. Do you know how powerful that is? Do you understand how grateful I am to have a choice, that I can say no and have that respected? It’s such a foreign thing to me, and I’m almost totally addicted to the power of it. She gave that to me when no one else did. And I won’t give that up.”

“Bucky, I get it. I woke up and I was basically back in the service, being told what to do, where to go and everything else. I had some choices but not as many as I’d of liked, and you’re right. She is special. She’s incredible. She is addictive. But you shouldn't lose yourself in her or anyone, you need to figure out who you are now. You need to take some responsibility for yourself.”

“Look Steve I know I was careless, but I’m not insane and I’m not suicidal. I can’t tell you what we did in 1934, but I can tell you that I know you haven’t told me everything that happened between you and her. The way you spoke to her, you were angry, Steve. She doesn’t deserve that from anyone. She only did what I asked.”

They looked at each other and Steve broke the gaze first. He rubbed his hands down his face and walked over to the couch. He slumped down on it in defeat. “You’re right Buck, I didn’t tell you everything. I’ve never told anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know what I did.”

Bucky crossed to the couch and sat down too. He put a hand on Steve’s knee and waited for his friend to continue. When Steve didn’t say anything Bucky prompted, “Did you love her? Do you?”

“I don’t think I did.” Steve said shaking his head. “She was the first woman who talked to me like I was just a person here, she was the first person to talk to me about sex at all.”

“Except your Ma.”

“Yea, well that wasn’t the same Bucky. My Ma was a nurse and she was just trying to make sure I didn’t bring shame or disease on myself or anyone else. Our friend, she knows things, she showed me things. I did things with her, and then I left her behind. I let myself go with her and I got a little lost. Worst of all I let her fall for me, Buck. I knew it was happening and I didn’t catch her. When I left I told her it was for her safety. I broke her. I did it because I was scared and selfish and she let me. I didn’t want her to love me or to care about me. I didn’t want to care about her either, but I do. Just enough to be jealous. Just enough not to want her to be alone but I guess not with someone else.”

“That’s rough Steve. Did you tell her? I think you should, it might make you feel better.”

“If you did that to a dame, would you tell her Buck?”

“I did do that, and I did admit it to her. She was pissed, said she hated me. But she was there crying when I shipped off and she wrote me a few times before I was captured. She even thanked me later in one of them letters, for making it easier for her to move on and find someone else. I sure as hell didn’t expect that.”

“I don’t think she’s holding onto me or us, Buck. It was over, we were through years before I even found you. Now I have Sharon and you, I know that she’s had other men in her life. I just don’t know what to say. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“Ah, Steve, you care so much. It’s sweet. But you have to let me make my own mistakes. I’m not asking you to tell me about your time together, but I hope ya can understand that I want the chance to see where this goes. Hell, we haven’t even held hands, let alone kissed but I would like to kiss her. I would like to get to know her, make her laugh, hold her tight. And not just cause I need the sleep. I feel closer to normal when I’m with her. I dreamt the most vivid and beautiful dreams when I slept with her last night. I swear it was you and me as boys. I remembered school, and things we did. Parks and streets, church and various apartments. It was like I was there, all the sights and the sounds. You were so tiny then.”

“Yea, I was.”

“But you were so fierce. You’d fight anyone at the drop of a hat. I was always pulling you out of some trouble.”

“And I always appreciated it, Buck.”

“Like hell you did. But I get it. You want to help me fight my battles now, and I appreciate it, Steve. But you don’t owe me anything. I owe you. I owe you so much, and I can never repay it.”

“You don’t owe me anything Bucky. We’re brothers, we always have been.”

“So, brother, can I spend time with the woman who currently occupies my thoughts? The one you drew me a picture of?” Bucky pulled out the piece of paper that he’d taken from his coat in her apartment. He folded it open to look at the picture of you, standing in profile at a window. 

“You still have that?”

“Yea. You’re a great artist. It looks just like her.”

“Bucky, what if it doesn’t work out?”

“Well, at least I'd have tried Steve. It’s all ya can do right?”

“It really is.”

Bucky bumped his shoulder into Steve’s and smiled at him. Steve smiled back. They clapped each other on the shoulders and laughed away the strain in the air.

“She’s good for me Steve. She had me speaking full sentences and I swear I didn’t grunt once.”

“Nat will be furious,” chuckled Steve.

“She’ll kick my ass for holding out on her. I’d say we shouldn’t tell her, but she always finds out.”

“That’s true, scary true too.” Steve nodded. “Tony will have told everyone we found you by now, people will be coming back to see you for themselves.”

“Wee,” said Bucky as he chuckled. He still wasn’t used to all the attention or concern, but the team meant well. Bucky tried to ready himself for the attention, but his mind wandered back to when he could see you again more then it stayed on thoughts of the team.


	20. Safety Meeting or Nervous Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their previous conversation behind them, both super soldiers get sideswiped by other's concerns

The next day I was summoned to the team floor for a friendly meeting, which turned out to be an interrogation. That’s definitely what it felt like. Bucky sat quietly on the other side of the room and looked both harried and sad in almost equal amounts. It seemed to have been arranged that he would be as far away from me as possible and that Steve would not be saying or doing much. Steve stayed stock still about halfway between where I was and where Bucky was, like some kind of super-soldier wall of disapproval. I felt pretty awful about how this was playing out, but more than that I felt terrible for Bucky.

He didn’t look at me once. He’d hung his head minutes after Clint started asking me why I hadn’t told the team where Bucky was and it had stayed bowed until I got angry and left. I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I certainly didn’t deserve to be talked to as if I had committed a crime. I stood up quickly cutting off Bruce and Tony’s bickering with a shout. “Enough. I didn’t come here to be browbeaten over what happened. Bucky’s fine, he’s here and he’s safe. If you can’t appreciate that then I can’t help you. As for what my ‘place’ in all this is I’ll tell you. I don’t have one. I’m an employee of Tony Stark, but I can just as easily be someone else’s employee. I’ll be out by the end of the week.”

I spun on my heel and stormed off. I didn’t see the tear that ran down Bucky’s cheek or the looks of shock on Steve and Tony’s faces. I didn’t see the shame on Nat, Clint and Sam’s faces either. I wasn’t going to stop, not a single voice could bring me to a halt. The elevator opened as soon as I pressed the button and I went straight down to the foyer and left the building. I needed to calm down more than I needed to see any one of them again. I went down the street and sat in a little coffee shop for a few hours, drowning my disbelief and anger in hot chocolates. My phone pinged and buzzed with messages, all of which I ignored. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to any one of them now. The only one I wanted to hear from didn’t call or message. I knew Bucky’s previous phone was destroyed, but he could easily get another from Tony.

Just before the shop closed I headed back to the tower, tired and haunted by the awful look on Bucky’s face. It was late and there were several notes pinned to or slid under my door when I finally let myself in. I didn’t turn on the lights, just went straight to my room, flopped down on the bed and waited for sleep. It came at some point as the next thing I knew F.R.I.D.A.Y. was waking me up. 

“Excuse me, Miss, Mr. Barnes appears to be in great distress. The team has requested your assistance now.” The AI repeated. I rolled over and sat up, rubbed my eyes and responded to the AI to get it to shut up. “Ok, I’m awake.”

“The stairwell has been opened to allow you quicker access. The elevators are on lockdown because of the disturbance.”

I hurried out the door, forgetting my keys and very glad that I’d collapsed with my shoes on as I raced up the stairs towards the team’s floor. I moved quickly through the door and down the hall to the common room where the AI said Bucky was. I stopped dead when I heard a blood-curdling scream. It was so loud, so full of anger, pain and fear and it was all Bucky. I was sure of it. My heart started to hammer in my chest as I surged towards the room. I had to find and help him. Why wasn’t anyone helping him?

The sight that met my eyes when I entered the room was surreal. Tony had parts of his suit on but only parts that seemed protective like his chest plate and upper arms, there were no repulsors in sight. Thor had his hammer defensively across his chest. Steve was there in pyjama pants, Nat had on a fuzzy robe and these sparkly gloves. I realized later that the sparkles were sparks, those gloves were electrified. Sam was laid out on his back, the coffee table crushed under him and to the right, slightly behind him stood Bucky. He had Steve’s shield in one hand and one of the crushed table’s legs in the other. He was wild-eyed and sweating. Everyone seemed to be breathing hard and I tried to figure out why they would want me here when Bucky screamed again. It tore through my heart and then he cried, “Just tell me where she is. What did you do to her?”

Steve started to step forward and Bucky shifted his grip on the shield in response. “Bucky she’s right here. don’t you see her?” I could see him clearly from where I was but at best I was in his periphery and possibly blocked out by his focus on the others and Thor’s arm. Bucky’s look changed to one of confusion and he shook his head as Nat tried to creep in and touch him with one of those gloves. Bucky blindly swung behind him with the table leg and clipped her in the arm. She backed off and he screamed again. It was pure anguish and I couldn’t stand another second of this.

“Bucky?” I said as I moved to get his attention. “Bucky, are you hurt? Are you awake? Bucky?”

He stilled and turned towards me. The entire room shifted its attention, and I wondered if they now expected him to attack me. He closed his eyes for a beat, like a child trying to ensure they were really seeing something. When he opened his eyes again he dropped the shield and the table leg and charged towards me. He fell to his knees about halfway to me and slid to a stop in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and sobbed into my stomach. His whole body shook with emotion and the others just stood there slack-jawed and watched. “You’re here. You’re here. I thought you were gone. I was so scared.” Bucky moaned. I looked at each person in the room trying to make sense of this while I stroked his hair.

“I’m here Bucky. I’m here, just like I said I would be. You’re ok. You’re going to be ok.” I pushed his shoulders back and tilted his head up so he was looking at me. “You’re a mess Bucky. Let’s get you back to your room, ok?” 

He nodded and stood shakily. He wrapped me tightly in his arms and kissed the top of my head before he muttered, “My angel, I thought I lost you.”

“I’m sorry I scared you Bucky,” I said as I rubbed his back in his tight embrace. 

He sighed and stepped back. I took his hand and started to walk with him back to his room.


	21. Coming To Their Senses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team reflects on the effects of their intervention.

As the pair left the room Tony and Steve exchanged glances. Nat hmphed and Sam muttered, “Didn’t see that coming,” as he rose from the shattered coffee table. Thor grinned at the room, always happy to see two people caring for one another. Tony shrugged and Steve nodded. They had wanted proof that Bucky needed her around, proof that the rest of the team couldn’t dispute, and now they had it. Most of the common room was destroyed, shattered furniture and broken glass covered the area but that, unfortunately, wasn’t exactly new in the tower. 

“She’s staying.” Tony chuckled.

“Obviously,” Nat added and everyone else nodded. 

Steve started to pick up broken furniture and put things in a pile as he worked his way to the shield he had tried to use to subdue Bucky. He was surprised that Bucky had only taken it from him, and hadn’t used it on anyone, opting for the table leg instead. He marvelled at how this night had happened, how it was so obvious that what had happened in the morning had brought on what they'd just dealt with. He was sorry that he hadn’t listened to Bucky when he had said that she was his comfort. The idea that she was going to leave had caused this wreckage. Steve had let this happen, and he was furious with himself. He grabbed the shield and headed off to apologize to Bucky and his angel.


	22. Cheese Heals All Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the evening brings grilled cheese.

It took a few minutes to get Bucky down the hall and into his room. He was slightly unsteady and seemed to be slightly drugged. I thought maybe it was from the drop in adrenaline from the earlier fight. He explained that he’d taken some sleeping pills after I had left that morning, trying to get a little rest and not focus on how bad he felt about that meeting. “I don’t like those pills, they don’t really work right and I can’t even say how I got to the front room. I just know I was convinced that you were in danger and that the others were keeping you from me. Keeping me from helping you and I couldn’t stand it. That idea took control and wouldn’t let go till I saw you,” he explained as we searched him for his room key and got inside his room.

He grabbed a bag and threw some clothes and some stuff from his bathroom into it and stopped to look at me. I just nodded to him. I knew he didn’t want to stay here right now and I didn’t blame him. He picked up his bag and took my hand as he started to leave. Steve was at the door when Bucky opened it. Steve looked confused and then mad when he saw Bucky’s bag. He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, “I’m sorry Buck. I should have listened to you. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s ok Steve. I shouldn’t have taken those sleeping pills. They don’t work right, I’ll help with the cleanup tomorrow. I just want to go get some sleep.”

“Not here?”

“She’s got a better shower Steve, and her bed is bigger. Plus that’s where she will be, and I want to be with her.” Bucky said and squeezed my hand.

“It’s not an issue for me Buck. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. To both of you,” Steve said and shifted his gaze to me. I nodded at him and smiled. He returned the smile and let us pass. Bucky pulled the door shut behind us and Steve headed down the hall back to where his room was, I guessed, as we went to the stairs. 

When we got to my apartment F.R.I.D.A.Y. had to let us in, but otherwise, our combined stress levels receded to almost non-existent. We took our shoes off, Bucky dropped his bag and stood there silently. I took his hand and brought him to the bathroom. I flipped on the lights and he held tighter to my hand when I started to let go. He then turned me towards him. He stepped forward and blocked me in between himself and the sink. He tilted my head up and looked into my eyes.

“I was so scared when you left. I didn’t mean to get so out of hand. I was just trying to sleep but all I could think of was you, and how much I missed you. How I was afraid I would never see you again because the team drove you away. Because I let them run you off. I was selfish when I got here after the thing with the train. I wanted to be with you so much and I didn’t care that the others might worry. Honestly, I didn’t think they’d even care. When they tore you apart this morning and I, well I just sat there and let them. I got so sad and angry. I let you leave and there was no reason for you to come back. I was a coward and you, well, you saved me anyway.” 

Tears ran down his cheeks, his face was red and his lips and body trembled. It hurt to hear and see the pain he was in. I wasn’t certain what to do but I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close in a tight hug. He hugged me back and cried into my shoulder. I rubbed his back and talked to him, “It was wrong of me to leave like that. I was angry at them, not you. I wanted them to leave me alone, to understand that they didn’t have any say over what I did or didn’t do. I didn’t mean to scare you Bucky, I didn’t want you to worry or to hurt you. I’m so sorry that happened.”

He nodded into my shoulder as he quieted down. I knew both our emotions were running high. I already felt strung out on his touch and ached for more. I didn’t know how I could get through the night without somehow slipping up and doing something that would cross the line I’d been trying so hard not to cross with him. I didn’t know what his true feelings were, but he talked to me like a man who cared. Even though I honestly didn't think that he could be in love with me or anyone else as he barely knew himself, or me for that matter, I was wary of his feelings. Be it lust or something else he was feeling, Bucky hadn’t had a lot of personal freedom and I felt uneasy about misleading him somehow. Partly because I knew that I wanted him and if he wanted me, hell if he just kissed me I was done for. I would lose what little self-control I had given the slightest hint he might be interested. I was barely holding on just thinking about his lips meeting mine.

As if he could read my mind Bucky’s lips brushed to my neck in a soft pass as he pulled his head back to look at me. His eyes were watery, but a bright blue against the red. He smiled a smile that crinkled his eyes and nose and I wished that I didn’t have such a strong reaction to seeing that smile. “You’re here and that’s all I need.”

“Well, maybe a shower too?” I asked with a smile.

“You coming in with me doll? I can soap you up this time.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and we smiled at each other.

“Do you think that’s a good idea? You’ve been through a lot today Bucky.” His smile turned wolfish and his eyes narrowed a bit.

“Today’s not been the best day but it’s looking up every second I’m here,” he said softly with a shy smile. If he was trying to melt my heart or prove he’d been a ladies man back in the day, he was doing a great job. He stepped back putting space between us and I felt a little cold with the loss of his body heat. He turned and reached behind the shower curtain to turn the water on.

“How about I make us something to eat? Is there something you’re craving,” I asked in a hurry to change the subject and direct him to something else as he turned back and his eyes met mine. I swear the look he gave me said I was what he was craving but then he blinked and that look disappeared and he nodded. It was almost a relief that he was willing to let whatever that was that had been on his mind go by without pushing.

“Well, I’m really stuck on grilled cheese. I’ve only had one so far, but I think it’s great if that’s not too much trouble.”

“No trouble,” I agreed with a nod as I held myself still and tried not to give away how that brief look had made me feel. My mind insisted I had imagined things while my libido was shouted about giving up the fight and grilling his cheese. “One or two?”

“Of what,” he replied as he pulled his shirt off over his head and I decided I needed to get out of that room before I burst into flames of desire.

“Grilled cheese,” I called back from the relative safety of the other side of the doorway as I pulled the door closed enough to obscure my view of Bucky as he undressed.

“As many as you want to make Doll,” came his swift reply and I could imagine the smirk he had on his face from the sound of his voice as he spoke.


	23. No One Is To Blame

I walked slowly out to the kitchen, trying not to look back to catch a glimpse of the man jumping into my shower. I wasn’t sure if the flirting was a calculated move or just an honest reflexive behaviour for him. All I knew was that I couldn't let myself get carried away by his charm until I knew what he was really thinking of or looking for. Or at least what he felt he could handle. I’d been down that road before with Steve and while I didn’t regret it, I was wiser now and knew that men like Bucky and Steve were not going to get into a relationship unless they could talk about it with clarity. Steve had never been able to do that with me until after our adventure. I didn’t doubt Bucky’s honesty but I knew it was easy to get caught up in feelings and go with them regardless of what I thought about the situation afterwards. I didn’t want to put him in that position, or myself for that matter.

I was idly turning that thought over in my head as I made the grilled cheeses. I had a few sandwiches worth of bread and some sliced cheddar so at least I wasn’t scrambling around the building scrounging for supplies. I was just flipping the third over to brown the other side when Bucky appeared beside me and took a big bite of one of the already cooked sandwiches. I heard it crunch and saw him smile as he chewed. It was satisfying to know that he was enjoying such a small thing like greasy food.

I finished the third and started a fourth for myself. As it started to cook I handed the plate with the others to Bucky and motioned towards the couch. He took the plate and the hint and went to sit down while he nodded and demolished the grilled cheeses he’d asked for. I plated my sandwich when Bucky burped loudly and settled back against the arm of the couch. He swung his legs up onto the seat as he patted his stomach and sighed contentedly. I smiled to myself as I picked up my plate and walked over to sit opposite him in my favourite chair.

As I sat and took a bite of my grilled cheese and I looked over at Bucky. He looked peaceful with his head leaned back, his eyes closed, one arm across the back of the couch, the other resting across his body. He breathed evenly but I knew he was aware that I was there and looking at him. I looked away as I took another bite, it wasn’t polite to stare no matter how good looking the view. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the taste of the sandwich I had barely been eating while I watched him. It was good and crispy on the outside with the slightly blackened edges I preferred. The cheese had melted nicely to a gooey consistency that let each bite separate from the whole with some cheesey strings.

“You’re way better at grilled cheese than Steve or Stark,” chuckled Bucky and it snapped me back into the moment. I looked at him and he watched me from his spot on the couch. 

“Thanks,” I said, unsure if it was a compliment or just a way to get into a conversation.

“Are you sure you’re ok with me being here? I sort of ruined the day earlier,” he started and I jumped right in.

“You didn’t ruin anything. I’ll admit it’s not how I saw the day going when I woke up, or even when I went to sleep last night, but I don’t blame you.”

“Who do you blame?

I looked at him to see if he was teasing but his look was guarded and though his posture hadn’t changed he seemed more rigid somehow. “I don’t know that anyone person deserves blame. If there’s any to be doled out I guess it belongs to everyone equally because we let you down.”

“You didn’t let me down.”

“I did. When I left like that I totally did because I gave you the impression I was gone for good.”

“Well, I don’t blame you at all. I think we both got a raw deal today and I’m glad we’re here alone cuz I don’t think I could relax around anyone else right now,” he said as he sat up and swung his legs off the couch. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and settled his head in his hands before he looked at me. “I think I should take the couch, wouldn’t want anyone breaking in to make sure I was behaving myself in the middle of the night.”

He smiled as he said that but I thought I heard an edge in his voice as if he had a certain person in mind. Steve immediately jumped to my mind, but it just as easily could have been Nat or Clint he thought of. Tony wouldn’t bother, he’d just have F.R.I.D.A.Y. scan us or harass us, depending on his mood. “Are you sure? The bed’s big enough for both of us.”

“I know Doll, but I’m still a bit out of sorts and I don’t want to keep you up all night if I toss and turn.” He flexed his arms as he said that and the plates in his metal arm shifted. I wondered if he worried about possibly hurting me with it as well as the thought of disturbing my rest. I got up and sat beside him, close as he would allow.

“If it’s what you want I don’t have a problem with it. If you need anything or want to spread out a bit later you can come on in too,” I extended the invitation to him, holding his gaze as he smiled and bumped his knee into mine.

“I’ll keep that in mind Doll, but I think you’re gonna sleep way better alone tonight.”

“I could give you a massage,” I started to offer, anxious to help him feel better, and he cut me off.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn't want one but I’m not really physically tired so I might hit the gym and let off some steam and then see if I can sleep. Or maybe I’ll be up all night, sometimes I am. I’ll be ok no matter what, cuz I know you’re ok.”

The way he looked at me as he spoke made me feel both special and slightly uneasy. Was this the sign I’d looked for, that he felt something for me, or was I just taking his friendly concern the wrong way? I didn’t want to ask him right then and there because it didn't seem like the right time to try and figure my lust out when he was saying he was on edge. Which is how I was taking his statement about needing to let off steam.

“I’m ok Bucky. I’m glad that you’re feeling better and hopefully, you can get a little sleep tonight. I’ll get you some sheets and a pillow for the couch whenever you want to take a nap.”

He laughed then and I couldn’t help but smile, “That’s exactly how I usually explain it. I don’t really sleep I just nap. But you don’t have to bother with all that. I don’t really get cold here.”

“Don’t be silly,” I said as I got up and he caught my hand as if to stop me. “You’re a guest and you can choose not to use the sheets if you want, but I would be a horrible host if I didn’t even give you the option.” He looked at me for a beat and then let me go with a bit of a blush and a dry laugh as he shook is head and dropped his gaze.

“You don’t gotta go all out for me Doll. I’m not so special.”

“Lies,” I called back over my shoulder as I headed to the next room and got some bedding from the closet. I brought back a flat sheet, two pillows and a nice blanket for him. Maybe he would discover the joys of wrapping himself up in coziness and enjoy that, even if he didn’t sleep.

He stood and took the things from me, and put them behind him on the couch before he turned back to me with a look I’d seen the first time we’d met. “Thank you.” He said it so quietly but I knew at that moment he was saying so much more. Those words weren’t just about a place to stay for the night, they covered for that and everything else that he felt that I had done for him since we’d met as well. I stepped forward a smidge to hug him and he moved back the same distance so I took a different tack. I held my arms out and looked at him. He tilted his head a bit then stepped forward and we hugged.

“You’re welcome Bucky,” I said as we parted and he gave me a slightly lopsided smile as he nodded.

“Sleep well Doll.”

“You too Bucky. And the keys are on the counter if you want to go to the gym.” I didn't look back as I headed into my bedroom and closed the door. I wasn’t really ready to go to sleep but I was pretty certain if I stayed there with him I was going to do something that I would be kicking myself for later.

As I got ready for bed I realized that I didn’t know that much about Bucky, and though we had spent time together we generally didn’t talk about him or me for that matter. Bucky didn’t really talk about himself and I hadn’t asked too many questions. I thought about how different he was from Steve. Steve had been comfortable with me as well, but I had been far more relaxed with him. I had asked him a lot of questions and he had been open with me to varying degrees. I had been accepting of his actions and desires as he expressed them and it was more like I had just reacted to him. Now I was in a similar situation but the person I interacted with wasn’t as expressive and I had a hard time judging if I should take the lead or wait for him to make a move. There was always the possibility that he had made a move, or felt that he had and that I’d missed it and not responded. I fell asleep with that idea on my mind.


	24. Leaning Into the Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking and feeling gets Bucky deep in thought

Bucky sat quietly in the living room. He listened to the sounds of you moving around in the bedroom. He was relieved but still uneasy. The team had really done their best to make you a villain and show him that they took all threats to him seriously. But you weren’t a threat, he was. You were calm and even and he was jagged and splintered. You were warm and he was cold. He didn’t understand why you took any time with him at all, he’d heard the others talking about it too. They thought you were over-invested in him, trying to prove your skills by taking on the extreme cases. He wasn’t sure exactly what that meant but he was convinced that they had no clue what they were talking about.

You didn’t treat him like a project. He knew what that was, what it looked and felt like. He knew you had a genuine interest but he had to admit it might not be more than a professional interest. If he’d learned anything at all in the time he could recall, it was that sometimes people were not invested in your feelings even if they acted as if they cared. He knew you were guarded around him about what you did and said and he could appreciate it was hard for anyone to know what might anger him. He couldn’t be triggered but he was still a person who could get angry, confused and frustrated and he knew most everyone avoided causing those feelings for him. He also felt that limited him too, as if he couldn’t quite connect with anyone.

But he knew you cared. Knew it from more than your behaviour. He could tell when he was close to you that your heart rate increased, that your body temperature rose and it wasn’t because you were afraid. He had an intimate understanding of fear and what it looked like on people. What happened with you, your reaction was a form of excitement but it wasn’t based on being afraid. He did wonder if you were interested in him as a person or as a source of danger. Some people were what Wilson called adrenaline junkies, they liked to do dangerous things for the rush. He knew he was dangerous and that that might be what excited you about him, not who he was as a person. He wanted to figure that out before he did anything else. He also couldn’t rule out that you were worried about him possibly hurting you. He had a metal arm so the threat he posed was obvious. He wondered about that often but felt that if you had a concern it was less about your personal safety and more about others, even himself.

He didn’t know how to tell you that you’d changed him in small ways with your care and concern. That he felt like a person, a real man, around you and not some weapon or broken man as he’d been referred to since Steve had brought him out of Hydra’s grip. He was used to a different kind of attention and not being talked to or thought of as an equal. Hell, Steve had treated him as if he was a wayward child since they’d gotten back together. He knew that it was just how Steve showed concern. That treatment was pretty much all Steve’d known before the serum changed him. Steve couldn’t treat him like you did because Steve had no experience in being treated that way. He knew to be loud, fussy, pushy and overbearing as that’s pretty much the kind of treatment he’d experienced the majority of his pre-serum life. 

Of course, thoughts like that lead Bucky to wonder if that meant all the abuse he’d suffer would have him turning to abusing others to get his way. He didn’t feel like that was true and hoped since he didn’t feel that comfortable with the thought of it he wouldn’t be that kind of person. He knew he’d have to keep an eye on his behaviour though, these things could sneak in. He’d seen many people become comfortable with casual cruelty and knew first hand how that could escalate. He’d never understood how people could be so detached from others that they couldn’t see how their behaviour would affect them.

He could tell you were in bed, the sounds of you moving around had changed and your breathing was evening out. He didn’t know why he’d offered to take the couch. All he wanted was to curl up with you and wait to fall asleep but suddenly it had seemed like a bad idea to do that. He’d only gotten more convinced as he spoke to you and watched your reaction. You were keeping something from him but he didn’t know if it was relief or disappointment and he wasn’t ready to ask. If he knew anything about you with any certainty it was that you’d be totally honest and if that was something he might not deal well with he shouldn't press his luck and ask. He’d made some bad decisions when you’d walked out earlier and he didn’t want to investigate what could happen if you told him something negative right now.

With these heavy thoughts on his mind, Bucky got up, grabbed your keys from the counter and headed to the training floor. He was feeling restless and on edge both because of the way the meeting went and the fight afterwards and because of his current thoughts. There were many things weighing on him as he tried to decide if he was the kind of man that belonged in anyone’s life, including yours.


	25. Breathe In

He made it to the work out room and headed for the deadlift. The act of picking up and putting down the weight was always enough to help him to focus his mind more clearly. Just the trip to the floor had him thinking of you, the fight, his relationship with Tony, things that had happened with Nat and his general feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness. 

He could see why people had taken to protecting him, his reputation and previous, albeit uncontrollable actions, had left the world at large and many on the team less than happy to be associated with him. Working with him would be something that took time and plenty of work on his part to be seen as reliable and trustworthy. People would always believe what they wanted to, no matter what he did or didn’t do. 

Still, it irked him that the ‘team’ had gone so far as to attack you with their thoughts and words. He felt bad that he was going to be watched more closely now and monitored for further issues. He’d known what he was doing, but the sleeping pills he’d taken after you left had made it easier for him to go with his feelings of fear and anger. Those two emotions were familiar to him, but also so strong at that time that he’d been overwhelmed and had taken that storm of emotion to the others and unleashed it. Only your appearance had gotten through to him. He realized now that he’d been hoping that one or more of the team would take him down and possibly even incapacitate him. He knew that Steve would never let any of them outright kill him but he’d hoped a little that night that someone would at least physically hurt him as much as he was hurting.

It was shocking to him to realize that as he continued to do reps with the loaded heavy bar at the deadlift. He hadn’t wanted to look too closely at himself when he’d been in Wakanda but Shuri had gotten around that with her charm and endless questions. Since coming to Stark tower he’d had ample time to think. He knew that not everyone was concerned with looking at themselves too closely and honestly, he felt that that was all he’d been doing, looking at himself and others. He’d learned what to do in the new social situations he faced, learned how to act so that no one would feel threatened by him unless he wanted to threaten them. Wakanda had been a good place to learn and Shuri’d made a point of engaging him and giving him tools to learn with. Stark hadn’t wanted him to have a lot of access to anything even the internet when he’d first arrived but Nat had seen to it that he got more freedom whether Stark liked it or not.

Stark trusted Nat over Steve and that wasn’t too surprising. Natalia had always had her ways of winning others over, while Steve was a fighter and pig-headed to boot. Stark wasn’t his biggest fan, he never would be and there was not one thing in the world that Bucky could do to change that. He had hurt Stark in deep and unforgivable ways and beyond that Steve had lied about it, making them as a pair, suspect and so Stark had every right to mistrust them. Bucky hadn’t enjoyed learning that he’d been the one to kill Stark’s parents. He’d been shocked and heartbroken to see himself, so clearly, doing those things to Stark’s parents and to face Tony’s reaction was terrifying. To know Steve had known all the long and never told either of them was unnerving. He felt pressured by Steve to be the man he’d been back in the ’40s yet Steve wasn’t the person he was then anymore either. It was hard for Stark to swallow that his friend Steve had kept that secret and Bucky couldn’t decide if it was just to protect him or if there was something selfish in that act as well.

Steve had Stark on his side until Stark found out that truth. That truth would have come to light so many times but when it did it was divisive and it had destroyed the team for a time. Bucky’d lost an arm over it, trying to subdue an enraged and betrayed Stark. The friends were eventually drawn back together but Stark had never given up the way he felt about Bucky and there was no blaming him for that. Even if he could have done something to change things, could have taken it back or let Stark kill him, Bucky felt Stark would never have totally forgiven him. Yet Stark had reluctantly accepted him. He didn’t do it without reservation or condition but he did it to strengthen the team. Nat and Steve lobbied for him and their allies did too. In the end, it was an uneasy détente but it had led him to you and he couldn’t regret that.

 

Right now he wanted to know more about you, he wanted to be sure that he told you more about himself too. It was something he missed, sharing the details of his life and remembrances with someone. Steve was too busy and no one else really had an interest outside of gauging how much he did remember about any one thing. He’d tried talking with Natalia once and that had devolved from a friendly chat to a hostile interrogation where the Widow was less than happy to learn he had fewer memories of her than she believed possible. While she’d recovered quickly Nat had been unhappy with him over the admissions he’d made because she felt hat their history should have somehow burned far enough into him to escape his Hydra treatments. That hadn’t happened and he’d been unable to give her what she felt he should based on the few things he had said before she kissed him and how he’d reacted to that kiss.

He’d tried to be gentle but Nat hadn't wanted to play around and went straight for his pants with her hands with her second kiss. He'd reacted by pushing her away and that had translated into her sliding away on her ass. Nat was graceful in most ways, but she took that as a spurning and verbally browbeat him until she lost steam under his defeat. He admitted he didn’t recall their time together, with or without the kiss. He wasn’t prepared to kiss anyone and when it had hit him that he wanted to kiss you months, later on, he realized why Nat had been so upset at the previous events. Until he felt it for you he’d forgotten how wanting someone in that way made you feel alive and vulnerable. He wasn’t used to vulnerability and how it made him feel small. He was so used to being feared or ignored that every other feeling had him pulling back to examine it and decide if he wanted to deal with it or escape it.

Usually, he voted for the escape it as so many of the feelings he had were mainly negative and he didn’t need to have the memories of why they were there to know that they were things he was going to have to live with even if he didn’t want to deal with it at the time. There were a myriad of people in his life now that were concerned with tackling, exploring, dealing with and releasing those things. Leaving that to the hours he spent with them was easier said than done he’d found, but he managed to do it most days, especially since he’d met you.


	26. Breathe Out

He had started the work of getting himself right even before Steve had taken him to Wakanda, and things had progressed there. Bucky had gone back into cryo, but once Wanda was freed and in the country, she had set about working with Shuri to release his mind of the Hydra triggers. He had been able to come out of cryo and he’d been tested. At first, he’d had terrible panic attacks whenever someone said the trigger words. The first few times he had ended up on oxygen, in a bed, under sedation. He hadn’t lashed out or hurt anyone, he had just imploded in fear. It had been easier after that. Every time the words were said and they failed to change him, he felt stronger, better and more in control of himself. He had managed to get further in a month, after those first few incidents; then most people believed anyone else would have under the same circumstances.

The biggest problem had been the nightmares. Aside from keeping him awake for far too many nights, they made him scream and that generally woke other people up as well. That bothered him more than anything else. It didn’t matter if he was dreaming or remembering the things that were keeping him up. He started to stay up to make sure everyone else slept. Something that didn’t go unnoticed by the Dora Milaje. Eventually, Steve was alerted and then the hospital visits started. They tried various things to help him sleep, but the drugs were metabolized too quickly or had unusual side effects. Mostly it had caused more problems with his memory, sometimes he had acted out his dreams, which was dangerous to himself and others. If they tried to restrain him he would only get less sleep and struggle more. Restraints made his panic attacks worse as well. Eventually, it had been decided that he would rotate through a couple of days in cryo so that he would be rested and safe. No drugs were needed and no one needed to guard him either. 

There was no cryo here in the tower. He’d had no luck in convincing Dr. Cho that that was effective and helpful to him either. She was concerned that if they didn’t break him of his need for that kind of rest, that he would never be able to lead a normal life. Bucky had to wonder what she believed a normal life was if she thought he would ever have one. He often got lost in his thoughts, and the routine of the medical check-up was so automatic to him now that it didn’t snap him out of his reverie as he sat there the morning after the dust-up in the common room. It wasn’t until everyone had left the room for a solid five minutes that he got up and started to leave.

His angel was still there waiting for him; she hadn’t looked away and didn’t look upset that he had just stared past her like that. She watched him as he stood in the doorway and said his peace. As much as he wanted her to stay, he was going to let her go if that’s what she wanted. He wouldn’t force her to do anything because she had the right to choose for herself, just as he had the right to make his own choices. He hoped that she would choose to know him, but he was prepared for his words to mix with Steve’s and send her away. He was so prepared for that that he was shocked that she said she was interested. She was interested in him, in knowing him and spending time with him.

Bucky leaned in and whispered as much to her and watched as she reacted to his breath and words. He liked that he affected her. It made his heart race and his skin prickle with excitement, knowing that she was there and interested as well. He took her hand and delighted in the soft feel of her skin, the way she held his hand. How her hand fitted against his so nicely that Bucky wondered how much he would miss it when her hand left his, even for a moment.

He walked with her silently to the common room and looked around at what remained of the mess. The broken furniture was piled neatly off to the side, Steve’s work Bucky guessed. Steve always liked to get the big stuff out of the way. The couch was still shoved up against the entertainment unit. Nothing had been broken over there, but some things had fallen onto the couch. She let go of his hand and went to get the dustpans, brooms and other items that would be needed to clean up the glass that was still lying around. Bucky recalled how Steve had hit him repeatedly with his shield, he saw the two broken pool cues and knew that one of them had snapped across his back, he wasn’t sure if he’d grabbed the other and it had broken in the struggle or if it had hit someone or something with it.

Bucky went over to the couch and took the fallen objects off of it. He put them back on the entertainment unit and got the vacuum. He ran it over the carpet to pick up any broken bits of the table that were left behind, or pieces of glass that may have come over on someone during the melee. His memories of the events were hazy. He’d been panicked, everything seemed so dark and everyone so sinister. Bucky’d been terrified that his angel was gone, that she had been taken and was being hurt or worse. The team had tried to calm him, but his agitation had turned the conversation into an argument and then a fight had broken out. Tony had said something about it being Bucky’s fault and Bucky had lashed out, clearing the counter of a set of glasses. The next thing he knew the entire team was at the ready, trying to take him down and all he wanted was to do whatever he could to find her.

He looked across the room now and saw her, bent over the task of scooping up the glass from the broken pictures along the far wall. Steve had done that with his shield. He had aimed at Bucky, Bucky had taken Steve down and the shield had bounced off the fridge and flown across the room, destroying the pictures as it went. Bucky shook his head. This here wasn’t as bad as the time he had relived a mission in his sleep in Wakanda. He’d put people in the hospital that night, but he knew that was what Steve had feared was happening last night. That Bucky wasn’t going to stop, couldn’t stop, because he wasn’t himself. Even his angel had asked if he was awake, and in answer, he’d gone to her as quickly as possible to take her in his arms. He’d wept with relief that she was there, and he didn’t care that the team had witnessed his reaction. They should know that he had real feelings, could be hurt and scared and that just because it was easy to chalk his reactions up to him sleepwalking or having a bad dream it didn’t mean he was having either. There would be sometimes that he would react poorly. Didn’t everyone now and again?

He wondered about this as he pushed the vacuum around and watched her roll some tape, sticky side out, around the dust brush she was using. He turned off the vacuum and moved it out of the way, then pulled the couch back and checked the cushions for dirt and debris. It seemed fine, despite having forcefully travelled from its usual place in the room. He continued to watch her work the taped up dust brush across the floor, he noticed little pieces of glass were sticking to it and he smiled that she was so thorough and inventive. He’d have just used the vacuum cleaner and hoped nothing was missed for someone to step on later. She cut the tape off the brush and threw it away. She turned and smiled at him and he blushed to be caught staring.

There hadn’t been too much destruction, so aside from taking away the broken table and picture frames, the cleaning was finished. Not a single member of the team had joined in. It was possible they were out or debriefing, but Bucky thought it more likely that he and the team were being given space from each other. Steve, more than likely, would force them all together soon for a discussion about the incident. He’d wait until people had a chance to think and blame could be laid aside a bit easier. Bucky blamed himself, of course. He’d taken the pills, he’d panicked over the idea that he hadn’t defended the woman he cared for and she’d been chased off because of it. He knew that he believed he was in love with her; he’d felt certain of it since the night in his room. She’d been so patient and kind, she’d taken care of him as no one else had in his life. That had caused him to start recalling how love felt because no other word seemed to fit what was happening to his being. 

Bucky didn’t dare tell Steve how he felt. Steve’d already told him that she was a ‘problem’ that Bucky didn’t need in his recovery. Steve was a concerned friend, who currently acted like he was Bucky’s last surviving parent and guardian. Steve meant well but he was nothing like Bucky in the romance department and that had always been a good thing. Now it just served as a reminder of how much Bucky had lost. He saw that thought on Steve’s face countless times a day and he was glad he’d never seen on it his angels’ face. He hadn’t told her he loved her yet either. That was out of fear that such a declaration so early would chase her away faster than anything else. He also didn’t want her to feel she was being rushed into saying or feeling something because of his statement.

She watched him as he watched her and moved over to him slowly. She took his hand and smiled at him, then touched his face to smooth away the frown line between his eyes. Without a thought, he pulled her close and started to sway with her. She chuckled a bit but moved with him as she started to hum. He couldn’t quite place the tune but it was familiar. Without warning, music started to play from the speakers. The AI had picked up on the dancing or someone else had and put on something from when he was young. Bucky chuckled and spun her out. When he pulled her back he held her back tight against his chest and he breathed into her hair, along her neck as she shivered in his arms. He could get used to this.


	27. Getting Back Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoe to rebuild a broken man? With contracts and planning of course.

Bucky spent weeks coming and going from my apartment. Tony had sent down an offer that would move the two of us to quarters with 2 bedrooms and bathrooms, to make it easier for us to have our own space. I’d also heard word that there were possibly, other people coming into the team who would need rooms. Tony made the offer both for the sake of housing them as well as to help us hold on to what we were saying about our situation. The team as a whole and Steve, in particular, seemed to have an issue believing that Bucky and I weren’t sharing a bed.

I didn’t get as many questions as Bucky did, but there were plenty of cross directed inquiries that came out during meal times when Bucky and I would go and eat with the team. He had stopped going to that floor without me since the incident. There had been no communications or anything said about Bucky being accompanied, but he’d decided that he didn’t want to go there alone. I didn’t want to be his crutch but I could also understand why it might be harder for him to face the others after that night. For most of his life anything that he’d done, like that event, had been erased from his mind and his thoughts and actions had been controlled by drugs and electro torture. Hydra used that to keep him in line and take his memories, but now all those events were always there with him. He was learning how to deal with those things again. I knew that he’d need time and he’d need to be ready and willing to work through these things. I was there to give him that.

The team, however, was a fast-moving entity, always moving on. Whether blowing up over something or mending together from some other thing, the people on the team collectively weren’t always able to interact with each other to solve personal issues. Like it or not that’s where I, and other people and professionals, came in. We helped the team deal with their problems and find a way to deal with each other. The culture between the members was largely drop it and ignore it. Very few actively worked together to address anything but they still managed to work together cohesively despite any personal feelings and resentments. Given that the team wasn’t large and that most were wholly aware that they were as much to blame as anyone else most times, for arguments and errors; things could roll along and missions were accomplished. After all, by and large, these people took their work seriously and were professionals. That was the team.

Bucky had the disadvantage though. He was not actually a part of the team. He was an outsider. He might eventually become a part of the team but many didn’t trust him because of his past. There were a few who knew that they were being hypocritical, as they had chequered pasts as well, but most were unsure how a team member with memory issues would be helpful even with incredible aim and a metal arm. He’d come through in many situations and in some ways proven himself, but this latest incident had left people thinking that maybe he would do better as a retiree instead of an active team member.

I couldn’t totally disagree with them. I felt Bucky deserved and needed time to regroup and create a life for himself before he decided if he wanted to be part of the team. I knew he would go where ever Steve was, and Steve would go where ever he was; but if we took the fighting out of the equation where would either of them go and what would they do? I believed Steve had a solid idea if not an outright plan for what he wanted to do outside of the team. I knew Bucky had no solid plans for anything at all, except maybe his next meal. He was flying by the seat of his pants, doing what came to mind at the moment and that was ok but it also seemed to chafe him. 

I couldn’t be sure at first, but the more time we spent together the more it seemed like he wanted to figure out who he was now and what he wanted. It looked as if he felt I was the only one who gave him the chance to build his own concept of how he should spend his time and what he should want to do. I believed that was why he wanted me with him at the meals. He needed someone to steer the conversation for him because he wasn’t there yet. I wondered when people snarked at him if he would one day, tell them off and I could see Steve wondered too. Nat always smirked, as if she had an idea that no one else had about how he’d deal with it. I might find out one day, but that day had yet to come.

Bucky had eventually told me that he felt better with me around, especially with the others. He said he felt like he wasn’t getting much or enough support from them in the ways he needed or for what he wanted. He wasn’t completely sure of his all available choices, but he knew he had decisions to make and that the team wasn’t necessarily interested in him participating in their work which was fine with him. He said that he was a tired old man and that he wanted a chance to live a life now that he was in the world. 

He had also taken me to more than a few meetings with Nick Fury and different government officials. As the world’s oldest living prisoner of war, he was an oddity and a celebration. The US government owed him a fortune. He said at least his life was guaranteed as paid for, and quite possibly the lives of several other people were going to be paid for as well, depending on what he did with his time. He might have a family, children, and the documents and conversations were all about how he and his would be provided for in so many different circumstances I lost count of what wasn’t covered. He had stacks of forms to sign and a team of lawyers to review them to ensure he was getting the best and most loophole-free deals he could get. Tony had insisted, mostly to ensure that, as he put it, “Barnes could go and stay away where ever he wanted to and no one would have to worry.” I suspected that Tony might have wanted to say care there, but he’d opted to be more generous than saying that word would have let him sound.

I personally believed that Pepper was involved in these negotiations. She’d often worked tirelessly to smooth over many of the team’s governmental things and had a great many contacts to deal with when it came to helping them and others. It was unlikely that anything much had happened without her having a hand in it. Tony had a way of pissing off authority and Fury wasn’t exactly a diplomat. Pepper was a resource with a kindness that mostly went untapped because Tony liked to shield her from the others. He kept her at arm’s length when it came to the team and kept the team as far from her as possible because he loved her and he needed her to be his safe place. I firmly believed that and had no reservations about helping him get his way with that. Everyone needed someone and I had known about Tony and Pepper since Tony and I had first met.


	28. Fall Down Seven Times

Bucky had decisions to make about what he wanted and how far he was willing to be vulnerable with you or anyone else. He had ideas about a good many things but he wanted to take a little bit of time to get to know more things before he took any action. He was aware that there was a great divide between the man he once was and the times he’d grown up in and how things were today. He was totally invested in getting his feelings for you addressed so that he could figure out what to do to let you know what he was thinking and feeling. He was so old in comparison to you and yet he had so little experience in communicating with people that he felt as if he was learning how to live after some kind of traumatic incident that had stolen his life. Shuri had explained to him that that’s pretty much what happened to him. Hydra had inflicted a great many things on him, but he’d have to learn to function in the world he was in now for his own sake. He didn’t want to be a hermit, closed off from the world, but he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted to experience all the things on offer these days either.

Maybe you would help him learn and grow. He had a feeling that doing everyday things with you would be less stressful than with the others. He’d almost enjoyed doing the dishes with you the night that you’d eaten with the team and sat with him at the table. He was pretty certain that he had never enjoyed doing the dishes before the war. He would have asked Steve but Steve would have asked a million other questions Bucky knew he couldn’t really answer and then he would have lost his sense of enjoyment to the undercurrent of fear that ran throughout his life these days. He was capable but he wasn’t always the person that others expected him to be and it was sometimes hard not to be offended at their reactions or to worry that he’d never be ok.

It was hard for him not to embrace their fears for his recovery. Every time he felt safe to take a step forward it seemed he had a startling encounter that set him back. From telling Natalia that he didn’t know anything about their time in the Red Room to what had happened with you and the team today, events kept blowing up in his face and causing damage despite his intentions. But if he let that stop him he’d never speak to anyone again. He'd taken to pummelling his frustrations out on a heavy bag or deadlifting hundreds of pounds to wear off his nervous energy while his mind contemplated how to make any next moves or whether to give it all up and just disappear as some people had let it be known they wished he'd done from the start.

While he worked himself into total physical exhaustion, Bucky decided things, like that the best thing to do was to keep his word to the team. He had said that he'd help clean the common room after the previous evening’s misadventure, and if he'd done that so that there had been nothing standing in the way of his time alone with his angel. He'd staggered through a shower and then back to her rooms before he settled on the couch and fell asleep. He was half awake when he'd felt her cover him with a blanket. She smoothed his hair and the care in her touch guided him back to the depths of his dreamless sleep. When he opened his eyes sometime later there was a note on the table in front of him.

The note said she’d gone to get some work done and to pick up some food. She directed him to the food in the fridge and the coffee pot, with quick direction on how to make some coffee and to reheat the breakfast she’d made earlier. He was amused that she had thought of this, and more, that he’d slept through the cooking of breakfast. He was usually up as soon as the first hint of coffee or toast hit the air and had been since he was a young man. He marvelled at how thoughtful she was and how calm her behaviours made him. If he’d been with Steve and awoke to such a letter, he’d have gone after Rogers by now. Instead, he was relaxed on the couch under her blanket, comfortable to wait for her return and not anticipating her getting into some trouble he’d have to remove her from or assist her with like with Steve. 

Steve Rogers was always picking fights as a kid, and now he was stepping into any he saw, unasked almost as always. Sure Bucky would follow him now as he had before, to save his friend and pick up the pieces. The difference was now the damage was never just confined to Rogers’ person, it was local, sometimes national and even global. Steve had grown, and with him, it seemed, had his penchant for fighting the good fight, others be damned. Bucky knew that he was generalizing about Steve. That was his oldest friend and if Steve was anything he was his own worst enemy. He got fixated on things and would heedlessly pursue his decisions to the end, right or wrong, didn’t matter as much as whether Steve believed it was the right thing to do. Running into Hydra bases in the ’40s had turned into all-out global warfare and still, Steve was out there running headlong into the fray with Bucky just steps behind. It didn’t surprise him that he had a blind loyalty to Rogers. They were like brothers, whether by blood, circumstance or war; they were family and destined to be there for one another until the bitter end.

He knew for some that end was death, for others it was time and distance, and others still would part ways over some argument or relationship issue. That some 8- years on he was still working with Steve was a miracle and a curse. He’d never wanted Steve in the war, not that he was in the way but if Steve was in the States he was safe. If Bucky had made it back, then everyone there would be fine and all he would have lost was his time in the war. He hadn’t wanted to lose Steve or his Ma and siblings. Life though had other plans. Maybe that would have happened regardless of if Steve had had the Serum or not. It was war and Bucky hadn’t been the only person captured or tested on that Steve had rescued. Bucky didn’t know exactly when he got the serum Hydra had used on him, the records were fuzzy, referring only to the initial experiments.

The same records referred to the fact that he’d undergone 2 rounds of those initial experiments, and there was talk between Banner and Cho that perhaps he’d gotten 2 strains of Hydra’s serum. Maybe the combined batches made the difference for him, as he seemed to be the only surviving member of their attempts to make a super soldier like Steve Rogers. When Nat had gotten him access, Bucky had read anything and everything he could dig up on what had happened to him. He was not happy with the details of a lot of what he read, but it didn’t always add up. There were holes, either deliberately made by Hydra, or by the people doing the work, that left a lot to speculation. In the end, no one had ever really successfully replicated either Erskine’s formula, or what seemed to work on Hydra’s end. 

Nat had mentioned that she had what was believed to be a weaker version of Bucky’s serum, given to her in the Red Room. She wasn’t a super soldier but she was enhanced and that accounted for some of her skills, but not all. Natalia was special and no one could deny it no matter what they said or did. It didn’t surprise him at all that the people who seemed to be better off and positively affected by the serums were banding together. He’d worked with others that were not positively affected by it and they had either gone into murderous rages and forced Hydra to take them down, or they had suffered horrible debilitating changes and either died or were eliminated as useless. He could remember some of that, some of it he’d seen in video files.


	29. The Ways of the New World

For a secret organization, Hydra had an enormous amount of video data that had been recovered and spread throughout agencies over the years. It was shocking the amount of evidence that there was about Bucky alone, and there was so much more about other people that they had experimented on and failed with or deemed unusable. You knew about the people Tony and Steve had found in that silo, that Bucky had been there, and that Zemo had planned to have all of them all there to force them into war with each other. In the end, it wasn’t the entire team, it had only been Steve, Tony and Bucky; but that had been enough. One little Hydra video later and Tony was trying to kill Bucky, and Steve for defending him. They had escaped but Bucky had lost an arm and Steve had lost Tony’s trust and respect. They had worked it out eventually, but it had taken world-ending events to really get them talking.

You knew that that was all part of Bucky’s past but it was also the most constant ghost facing him in the present. He lived and worked with Tony and while Tony didn’t talk about the loss of his parents to him, Bucky had told you that he felt the worst about that event. It was fresh and new to him, it hadn’t faded or gotten taken away. He had to see it over and over in Tony’s eyes and hear about it from time to time when Tony was really drunk and mad. He was trying to make amends but there really wasn’t a way for him to do that. He’d mentioned to me that he felt that maybe they were a little more even since Tony had taken his arm but there had been no discussions about it at all. Not that Bucky knew what to say or how to even begin to approach the matter. He said he hoped one day that he would be able to say or do something that could make even a little bit of difference to Tony. 

With Bucky’s comings and goings, there was a host of other things that were happening. Aside from the offers he had, and the offer of a larger living situation for you two to share, there were the comings and goings of Steve, Nat, calls from Shuri and the near-constant visits to various specialists for his arm, his health, his mental health and the like. He trained with the others sometimes and he also trained alone. Bucky had a very regimented life and even though he wasn’t on missions he was often gone so long during the day that he often didn't see you from when you woke up until you went to sleep. It was as if he was away even though the signs were around that he was there. He would do the dishes, leave coffee and breakfast for you and even make your bed if he took a shower while he was passing through.

It had become such a nice little routine that’d sprung up during the course of the following weeks that it started to feel as if it had been that way for months. Before the offer of larger quarters came, Tony had had a sofa bed brought into your apartment. It was the same colour and style as the original couch, but a bit bigger and definitely much plusher. Bucky’d been suspicious about the bed, expecting it to snap shut with him in it while he slept. He was so convinced that he wouldn't sleep on it alone for a week and he’d even somehow convinced Shuri to come in and check it out for him. 

Shuri was surprisingly energetic and she had Bucky eating out of her hand as well as being very friendly and kind. She came equipped with so much Wakandan technology, most of which could fit in her hand, and she did everything she could to prove to Bucky that the bed was totally safe while simultaneously enchanting everyone she met. During her work to prove to Bucky the sofa bed was totally safe she got Tony to lie on it and he fell asleep without incident. She then had the man closest to Bucky’s height and weight test the bed. With the same results and Steve was noticeably relieved. She then had a fully automated Bucky replica take to the bed and still nothing happened. A few days after Shuri had left I arrived home to find Bucky asleep on the bed. He’d been trying to hide his ongoing insomnia, but the dark rings under his eyes had given it away. 

He’d known it was a matter of time before he either fell asleep or asked for a massage to help him sleep. It hadn’t been hard for you to know that he wasn’t sleeping in the new sofa bed, or on the blowup bed you’d gotten him. He refused to take your bed, with or without you in it and he’d abandoned his own room long enough ago that it had been emptied out and reassigned. Bucky had slowly and sneakily moved everything he had into my apartment. Sneakily because he was hiding his stuff all over the place and that made it somewhat unnoticeable, but you’d started to come across it. The obvious things that showed up were more of his clothes and the small cache of personal care products that were now in the bathroom. 

Eventually, you’d found his stash of notebooks, some under the couch and more behind a couple of rows of books on your bookshelf which Nat had put you onto by asking why those rows weren’t pushed back like the others. The photos, letters and drawings came later and much more by accident. Bucky was cagey about his things and he never wanted it to seem like he was invading your space so he kept his footprint as small as possible. He hadn’t said anything about you adding his books into the front line of the shelves they’d been on, and he hadn’t blinked when you’d added the ones you’d found because of the Roomba catching a loose page and losing its shit. He did get a bit bent out of shape when you found an old picture of him and Steve as children sticking out from his pillow. You hadn’t put it back, instead, you’d framed it and put the frame on the end table close to where you’d found it.

It hadn’t been there the next day. As soon as Bucky had found it he’d hidden it somewhere else. You hadn’t go looking for it but he knew that it stung a little that he’d not said anything about the picture in the frame at all. He’d steadfastly not said a word and you’d almost forgotten about it when it appeared on the side table again a while later. There were some wear marks on the frame from where he’s held it in his metal hand, which told you that he spent a good amount of time looking at that photo where ever it had been. You took it as a good sign that the photo had returned and that he was quietly sharing that memory with you now. He’d been relieved to see you smiling at the picture a few times when you weren’t aware he was looking.


	30. Decisions Decisions

In his dreams, you were always dancing with him. The dream was always the same these days. His angel was in his arms. He spun you out and pulled you in and everyone smiled, even laughed in that giddy way new couples did. He spun you out and pulled you back again, your back to his front and they swayed together. He spun you out and pulled her back, this time facing him. You laughed again and his heart soared. He smiled at you and you moved up against him and kissed him. For a moment he froze at the contact and then he kissed you back. You hummed against his lips and pulled yourself flush with his body, pressed against him as you stood on tiptoes to reach into his hair and ravage his mouth with yours. He was excited by your need and your body felt so unbelievably good against his. He still swayed with you to the music, but the kiss started taking over his body and Bucky knew that it was time to either stop or go somewhere more private.

“Angel,” He breathed unable to move himself any further away from her than necessary. “We should go somewhere more private.”

She smiled and said, “Lead the way.”

Some nights the dreams stopped there and others continued. He was always uncomfortably candid. Speaking the deepest truths of his heart and soul in that way that only dreams allowed him to do.

“I think about you naked all the time,” he’d say as he put his forehead to yours, “Do you know how frustrating it was to feel you against me that night and not to have seen you? I can wait Doll if you want me to if you need time. You know that I want you, Angel, you felt it that night and over time I’ve only come to want you more.”

“Bucky, I don’t know what to say.”

“I know it’s fast, I know. I know I’m pushy too, you can tell me to back off Doll. I just want whatever you are willing to give me. If you aren’t interested, then tell me now because I think you are and I want to indulge that interest.” 

“Bucky,” you breathed as his hands slid up your back and into your hair. It was usually around this time that he’d awaken fully and head to the shower. It was a safe place for him to go and relieve the ache in his privates as he tried to decide how to actually tell you that he had an interest in you. One that went further than your wonderful touch and how it helped him sleep. How your touch made him feel, how you made him feel. He was trying to figure out how and when to tell you and if he should tell you. Since he had no one to consult about this and these feelings might as well be called new, he was a bit at a loss for how to proceed without being inappropriate or, to a lesser degree of concern, pissing off Steve.

He knew about you and Steve, had known for a while. There had been conversations where Steve had shared his thoughts and in a way encouraged Bucky to take a chance. He had never spoken with you about any of it though and he often wondered why. He knew that there had been opportunities to but he’d shied away from it. Everything was going along well enough and to be honest, he had a lot of newness to sort through in his life, and having you there was a safety that he was very reluctant to lose. And there was a huge part of his mind that told him that you were at risk if. Both from his job and possibly from parts of the team if he made any sudden statements that upset the status quo. If things went wrong it wouldn’t just be you that he could hurt. The idea of cutting himself off from the one sweet thing he had, even accidentally, was beyond what he could even dare to think about. He knew he’d take that step at some point, he just wanted to feel ready for what happened before he opened that door.


	31. Cooking Up a Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does the most notorious man unwind?

We’d fallen into an easy routine of coming and going from our new shared quarters. Bucky still slept on the Shuri approved sofa bed in the living room, but he also had a room of his own and aside from the usual dresser and bed, he’d put in a bookshelf and was slowly building a collection of books that he enjoyed or wanted to read. He had a variety of science and mechanical works, as well as a range of fiction that was supplied by either Bruce, Clint or surprisingly Maria Hill. Maria had arrived one day with a box full of fantasy, science fiction and mystery novels. Bucky shrugged it off saying he wasn’t interested in horror so the books were on loan as an introduction to what was available these days.

Most nights we would have dinner and then settle in on the couch and watch something, a tv show, movie or sometimes a play. Bucky called it getting into the current culture and since he spoke and understood a variety of languages, it was often a surprise as to what we would be watching and if there were subtitles involved. It was interesting to watch things with him in different languages, sometimes he was very quiet and others he was giving me a constant running commentary of what was going on and what he thought about it. We often stayed up later than was good for us, talking about what we’d watched and I sometimes got practical demonstrations on how something should have been done when Bucky thought it was inaccurate.

These demonstrations were usually done with a plastic spoon, Bucky’s preferred demonstration stand in weapon. He’d alluded to being quite proficient with many different forms of combat and weapons, but it was still slightly disconcerting how intense he could get about proving that the shows weren’t getting things right. We’d had a few discussions about how it wasn’t a good idea for movies or television to actually show these things, as there were people out there that would try to use that information to do their own damage. Bucky had taken a while to think about that and then he’d insisted that it was even more important for me to know why the information was wrong and how to get out of those situations if it happened to me.

I sometimes thought these impromptu lessons were just an excuse for Bucky to get close to me for a few minutes. We often spent more time giggling in these demonstrations then we did. Bucky insisted it was the weird scream I’d make whenever he grabbed me or threatened me with his plastic spoon. I insisted it was hard to take a white spoon with a smiley face on it seriously and that it made me smile, which made him smile and that broke the seriousness of the moment. He’d shrugged it off but I was sure for a few days at least it bothered him either that I wasn’t afraid of him or that I wasn’t taking the lessons seriously enough. Soon enough though the lessons became just an odd form of playtime that we shared. 

I was actually fairly relieved that Bucky had found a way to become playful. He wasn’t fond of card or board games. He didn’t seem to enjoy video games either. The closest anyone had gotten him to engaging with them in a non-training way was when Bruce had accidentally dared Bucky to arm wrestle the Hulk. Thor had had to officiate, as the only person in possession of anything powerful enough to incapacitate an enraged Hulk. As it was things ended in a stalemate with Bucky’s arm keeping the Hulk in check as the ground rules were no smashing the table and no using your entire body to leverage your opponent. Thor had added the last part and Hulk had grudgingly agreed. Tony had lost his money to Steve and Nat had told everyone to shut up and get out of the common room so she could watch her favourite show.

Everyone had favourite shows it seemed. Even Bucky liked the ones that had some basis in science. He really enjoyed robot wars as well, though he wasn’t comfortable enough to ask either Bruce or Tony if he could try to build one of his own. I’d made him smile pretty widely when I’d bought him a few toy robot kits. I was sure he’d eventually rope Peter Parker into helping him beef up the toys and then Peter would rope Tony in and a real robot would appear. And probably soon after an Avenger’s version of killer robots would happen too. But until then it was just Bucky and his toys. 

I was wandering through the halls on the way back to my room one night when I ran into Wanda. We chatted about yoga classes and she casually mentioned that she thought it was kind of me to get Bucky gifts. She also mentioned that I should be careful of giving him the wrong impression, he was starting to think of many things as his and if I didn’t want to be thought of that way I might want to make it clear to him sooner rather than later. She’d smiled at me and then gave me a quick hug before running off. I was confused for a bit as to why she would say that and then I saw Nat cross the hall further down and realized I was being given a warning for many reasons and it possibly wasn't a friendly warning.

I knew that something had happened between Nat and Bucky, she’d mentioned he was not the man he’d once been far too many times, and the looks it had garnered from Steve and Bucky had made me wonder about her tone as well as her true meaning. Bucky had only said that he had spent time in the red room when Nat was there. He’d shown me the files to support that but had said he had no memory of that time and he wasn’t sure he could or would ever recall that time. He’d sounded certain that he didn’t want to try to get the memories back when I’d asked. “They’ll make no difference to me now,” he’d said plainly and I believed that he meant it.

I’d still been thinking about Wanda and Nat as I walked into our apartment. Bucky was there in the kitchen, making a salad of all things. He was good with a knife and really enjoyed dicing vegetables. He sometimes spent a few hours in the building’s commissary prepping food for the building’s staff. He said it made him feel useful and peaceful and Pepper, once she realized the benefits of having an Avenger adjacent person in her kitchens, was more than happy to reassign the staff Bucky displaced; as long as he would give her some notice of his intent to do the work. She was good, but no one could change a worker’s position on a few minutes notice in Stark tower, without firing them that was.

He smiled at me and I smiled back. He was slowly learning his way around the kitchen in a making dinner capacity. He liked to read recipes but he didn’t really like the idea of ruining a meal so he hadn’t started to cook on his own yet. He’d watch and help out, preferring the supervision at first and as he relaxed into the idea he’d started to ask questions about how and why certain things were done. He didn’t want to watch cooking shows or read cookbooks, he wanted to watch and learn and he insisted on doing that with me. Since I didn’t cook much for myself I’d had to start bringing my food game up a notch and that included finding recipes online that I wanted to eat and that I figured Bucky would at least try. Tonight was a simple night though. We’d agreed on salad and sandwiches, and as I rounded the counter I saw that he’d already made the sandwiches and was just waiting for me to get back to finish the salad and dress it.


	32. Chapter 32

We ate quickly. Salmon sandwiches and Caesar salad had never tasted so good and I knew Bucky was watching me, trying to tell if I was really enjoying the food or if I was just pretending. He was always worried that people would pretend to enjoy things for his peace of mind instead of being honest with him/ Steve was notorious for that by now, but he had a horrible poker face and Bucky and he would argue endlessly about it all afterwards. It was obvious Steve couldn’t help himself when it came to pleasing Bucky, any more than he could help himself when it came to a fight. Bucky made it clear, repeatedly, that he didn’t want Steve to humour him and if his food was bad he wanted to know it. Once he’d even burnt the food so badly that it was deemed inedible by the tower AI and Steve had still spent hours working his way through the plate to congratulate Bucky on the dish.

The bets that had been won on lost on that night were still a topic of heated discussion and Dr. Cho had said that the only good thing to come out of the entire thing was a working model of the kinds of stresses that Bucky and Steve’s jaws, teeth and digestive systems could withstand. Some people on the team had been excited at the prospect of a standing dinner of ever-increasing terribleness, one that potentially poison a regular person but that had been quickly dismissed when Bucky refused to cook in the common room again. Tony, in his wisdom which looked a lot like mean-spiritedness, had programmed the AI to warn the building whenever Bucky put a pot on the stove. It had caused a few alarms the first few weeks when Bucky had tried to make tea, ramen or boil some eggs. The alarm had been disabled by Shuri via a teleconference that had ended with a power outage and a declaration from Tony to never do such a thing again.

Bucky was a good cook, he was keenly aware of what he was doing and could somehow, make bacon that was perfectly crispy that I had issues eating it when anyone else made it. He didn’t really want to try anything too hard and he didn’t want to prove to anyone that he’d improved. He liked to say he was doing it for himself but more than once I’d seen him practising how to do something before he did it. I wanted to ask him if he was doing it to impress me and tell him that he really didn’t have to, but I worried that he might break that suggestion down to mean that I didn’t want him to do anything at all. As much as he was improving Bucky still had a way of taking things extremely negatively no matter how they were meant.

Tonight he’d outdone himself with the sandwiches and salad. He’d gone so far as to dish out some ice cream for dessert, and as we finished the dishes, he insisted I go sit down so he could bring in his last surprise. The last surprise for the night turned out to be a bottle of wine he’d picked out for me. He made some comments about knowing I needed a bit of a break from being so busy and keeping his life running smoothly. He smiled when he said it but his eyes flashed with something else as he poured me a glass.

“You’re not drinking with me,” I asked as I watched him sit back after filling my glass and putting the bottle down.

“Nah, booze doesn’t do much for me these days, and besides I’m not going to be able to give you a relaxing night in if I’m snookered am I?”

“You’re trying to get me dunk,” I said taking a sip of the fine wine and using my toes to poke his leg before I smiled at him and tipped the glass in his direction. At first, he just looked at me and I felt a little spike of fear before he smiled and ducked his head.

“Me, I’m just wanting you to have a little fun. Let your hair down. A bit. You deserve a little looking after too.” He said the last part pretty quietly, still with that smile and a little wink. I smiled back at him and settled in to pick his relaxing choice, which was a multi-part PBS documentary on the building of the American railroad. I hadn’t been expecting that, but his tastes did run more technical and real-world when he was looking to relax so I couldn’t really blame him for the choice, even if it clocked in at 10 hours. It was in parts and I was pretty sure that he wasn’t intending to watch it all that night. I knew I wouldn’t make it even if he wanted to watch the entire show.

You hunkered down into the cushions an arms width away from Bucky as he leaned back, put his feet up on the side of the coffee table and spread his arms out along the top and side of the couch. This was your usual routine after dinner, even though the wine was new. It was a nice, smooth Merlot, either he’d gotten someone to get it for him or he’d gotten it from Tony. I thought it was pretty unlikely that Tony had offered it to him, but if Bucky had asked Steve then the wine cellar would have become open game. 

We were about one episode and 2.5 glasses of wine into the night when Bucky got up and made popcorn. He usually shied away from the microwave, but tonight he was pulling out all the stops. I was totally comfortable and feeling quite warm in my spot on the couch, so I was in no hurry to get up and do anything. Bucky came back with a huge bowl of highly buttered popcorn and retook his position beside me, with the bowl balanced neatly between us on our thighs. We plowed through the popcorn pretty quickly and Bucky kept an eye on my glass, making sure it never went dry. It kind of didn’t surprise me when the bottle was empty halfway through the third episode. It had been a while since I’d been able to relax and have a few drinks without any reason to worry. 

At the moment there wasn’t a thing going on with the team or with Bucky that required any special attention from me. My regular routine of classes and workshops had resumed as soon as Bucky had been declared medically fit and if anything the new normal of our arrival in the shared space had served to regulate our lives and integrate us into the team as much as we could be. Bucky wasn’t a team member but he was interacting with them more and more. With that came more and more testing and doctor visits. He was getting good reports as no one had requested any changes for him and more than that he seemed to be thriving in a way that no one expected. He was adapting to his new circumstances at a quick rate, and he seemed comfortable learning and doing new things. More comfortable then I remembered Steve to have been when he was first learning the way of his new reality.


End file.
